Popped Art

Goodbye, Blogger.

2011-04-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

So, updating this blog is clearly an exercise in futility. I'm not entirely sure why, but it is.

So, if you want to keep reading what I have to say, head to blogs.simpsonu.edu/jeffreymitchum to read. Hopefully having a more specific audience in mind will give me more focus and a clearer direction in what I want to write about. There should be stuff for everyone, though, so don't ignore it just because you're not a Simpsonite!

Adieu,

Jeph

2010-08-26T15:20:00.001-07:00

Shameless plug. I want to win an iPad.

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My favorite movies of the last 12 months or so (anti-Oscar Editiion and WAY LATE TO THE PARTY)

2010-04-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

And here again is the second half of my year-end favorites list, the 5* most awesomest movies I've seen since January (again, the same disclaimer exists for my taking no responsibility for being a man of limited means, funds, and access to small-time movies that other, more reputable critics may have) (Also, I apologize for the severe lateness of this. I actually forgot that I had never posted it, and am just now correcting that):

*I decided to go with 5 in a sort of bizarro-homage to Uncle Oscar. Since last year's egregious snubbing of The Dark Knight at the Academy Awards, the geniuses at the academy have decided not to simply reward better movies with nominations, but to expand the field of nominations for best picture to 10 so they can pretend like they're not really a bunch of out-of-it geezer nitwits. But I do things my own way! Even if 5 isn't good enough for the Academy, it's good enough for me! I only reward the BEST OF THE BEST! (With Honorable Mention awards to The Informant!, Coraline, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Hangover, and Watchmen)

5. Up

It's Pixar. What else do you need to know? How about that it was the only animated feature in this year's Best Picture category at the Oscars (of course, it was also nominated for Best Animated Feature, which I think is stupid. A good enough animated feature will stand on its own merit regardless of its state of being animated). And I'll admit, I've gotten teary-eyed in movies before...heck, I've even gotten teary-eyed, as a grown person, at a cartoon before. But I don't think it's ever happened in the first five minutes of the movie. Pixar knows how to grab your heartstring by its metaphorical throat and never let go.

4. Star Trek

A Star Trek movie for people who hate Star Trek. Admittedly, that is not a group of fans that I fall into - my enjoyment of Star Trek has been passing-to-moderate over the years - but J.J. Abrams did here what he already proved he could do with Mission: Impossible III: take a floundering movie franchise and stab it straight in the heart with a huge needle full of adrenaline. Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto both knocked one out of the park with their fresh takes on Kirk and Spock...oh, and Leonard Nimoy sans William Shatner FTW.

3. Inglourious Basterds

Quick history quiz: how did Adolf Hitler die? If you said, "He probably both shot and poisoned himself while holed up in his personal bunker towards the end of World War II", congratulations: you're correct. If you said, "He went down in a hail of gunfire at the hands of two revenge-driven, blood-lusting American Jews while trapped inside a burning movie house before his corpse was blown to smithereens by several pounds of dynamite", congratulations: you're Quentin Tarantino, and a crazy person. But QT's revisionist history is nothing if not entertaining. Plus, it gave us Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa, the scariest MF-er in an SS uniform this side of real life.

2. District 9

On the long list of things that could inspire a great Sci-Fi story, Apartheid wouldn't seem to show up very near the top. But in his Peter-Jackson-approved tale of alien "Prawns" who crash-land in South Africa and are subjected to gruesome experimentation at the ha

nds of a nefarious corporation, Neill Blomkamp injected some great new life into the genre. It's shocking, disturbing, funny, and violent all at the same time, and deserves to be held up as one of the best Sci-Fi movies out there.

1. The Hurt Locker

I have to say, even though Oscar royally screwed up their choice for best picture in 2009, they pretty much managed to get it right this year. A war movie that manages to not be overtly political or heavy-handed like every other war movie that's come out for the last eight years or so, it's a simple, compelling story of three guys in an army bomb squad. Yes, it's set in Iraq, but rather than a condemnation of the conflicts our country is currently engaged in (we get it, Hollywood. The War on Terror was and is a bad idea), it's simply a story of how any war can emotionally stunt and scar the poor saps fighting it on the ground. It's an Iraq war movie that could be set in any war throughout history and still ring true. It's a war movie for the ages. And it makes me say, "Congratulations, Oscar", a phrase I'm not used to hearing or saying lately.

A weirdly specific rule about rock music

2010-03-06T14:44:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to a lot of Pandora lately in an effort to find out about good music out there that I would have otherwise missed, and I've noticed something...odd. It seems to be a trend, nay a requirement, for any rockabilly band in existence to do at least one thing related to outer space. I'm not exactly sure how the blend of sci-fi and surf guitar came about, but it's there, and it's undeniable. Now, these things could range as something as little as a song or album name, to a single song, to an album to (in the case of bands like The Phenomenauts and Man or Astro-Man?) everything the band has ever done, but it's there.

Some examples:
1. The Reverend Horton Heat's album Space Heater (and yes, I realize a space heater is a common household appliance with no relation to actual outer space, but look here and you'll see what I mean).
2. The Meteors.
3. The Klingonz.
4. Dick Dale's appearance on the soundtrack for the video game Rocket Jockeys.
5. The Stray Cats' "Blast Off".
6. The Shadows album Shadows Are Go!
7. Laika and the Cosmonauts.
8. Los Straitjackets' "Wrong Planet!"
9. Any one the Nekromantix's songs that involve the moon.
10. The oh-so-classy Spacesh*ts.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but I think you're beginning to get the idea. And I have to say, this is one of the weirder musical trends I've encountered. I mean, you've got heavy metal and dragons/vikings, hip-hop and hos, punk rock and alcohol, but rockabilly and outer space? Odd.

My Favorite Video Games of the Last 12 Months or so.

2009-12-18T16:17:00.001-08:00

Alright, it's the end of the year, and you know what that means. Year-end favorites lists.

So let's get started, we? First, my favorite video games of the year 2009 (as always, the authors of this blog take no responsibility for the absence of any awesome games that they have not personally played. Due to their limited means, there's always gonna be a lot of 'em) (also, honorable mention to Trials HD, Left 4 Dead 2, and Dragon Age: Origins):

10. Brütal Legend
From Tim Schaefer, the deranged genius behind such greatest-games-of-all time as Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle, and Psychonauts, came this magnum opus of metal. Starring Jack Black as Eddie Riggs, the greatest roadie of all time, who finds himself transported to an alternate dimension of rock and is called upon to save humanity. Funny, violent, and in possession of one of the best soundtracks of all time, this is lower on the list than might be expected because of its over-reliance on a clunky RTS system to carry the bulk of the gameplay.

9. Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
Both past entries in the M&L saga have been absolute gems, and the third installment is no different. Mr. "I HAVE CHORTLES!", a.k.a. Fawful, finally gets his turn in the spotlight as a proper villain after two supporting roles, and we get to experience things from Bowser's side for once. And the Bros.' faux-Italian babbling never fails to bring a smile to my face.

8. 'Splosion Man
The control tutorial pretty much sums up everything you need to know about this game: "A: 'Splode! B: 'Splode! X: 'Splode! Y: 'Splode!" As some kind of lab experiment gone horribly wrong, it's up to you, 'Splosion Man, to get your revenge on the scientists who made you this way by turning them into filets...literally (defeated enemies burst into an array of neatly packaged cold cuts). One of the most addicting puzzle-platformers I've ever played. And come on...everybody loves donuts! I know I do!

7. I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES 1N IT!!!1
There's really not much I can say about this game other than it's awesome, it only costs a dollar, and that you should watch this video to get a feel for what it's like (make sure the sound is turned up)...yes, that is exactly what the game looks, sounds, and plays like. If you've got a dollar to spare, you owe it to yourself to get this game.

6. Shadow Complex
Can a $15 XBox Live Arcade game really look and play nearly as good a $60 dollar retail title? You bet. Is it possible to make a huge number of gamers pine for their Super Nintendos again. Absolutely. This throwback to Super Metroid and Castlevania's glory days blew up the sales charts this summer, and very rightfully so. No game this year made me so obsessed with making sure I checked every nook and cranny for every possible item to make sure I got to that elusive 100% mark.

5. The Beatles: Rock Band
Yeah, Harmonix might have stolen the idea of a band-specific music game from Guitar Heros Aerosmith and Metallica, but holy crap, did they get their hands on one heck of a property. Producing a game centered around the biggest band of all time can't have been an easy task, but the developers knocked it out of the park, with everything from faithful recreations of the Beatles' most famous venues to little-heard audio outtakes straight from the studio, this game has everything a fan of the fab four could want...and there are already three albums' worth of extra content to be downloaded.

4. Borderlands
It's games like these that make the wait for Diablo III a little less painful. You and three friends can team up for an addicting class-based loot- and frag-fest the likes of which haven't been seen in some time. You'll keep playing hours on end in the hopes that maybe you'll get that one last gun that you've been searching for all this time. And it doesn't hurt that the game is pretty hilarious to boot. Everyone from the little "Claptrap" robots to the maniac, axe-wielding psychos has at least one funny line. And once it's all over, you can start over in the hopes that you'll find even BETTER loot.

3. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Holy Toledo, is this one beautiful-looking game. I mean, good LORD. A better-looking game, I cannot think of. Of course, it's not just graphics that make the game. For a great game, you need great action, great story, great acting, great white-knuckle thriller moments, and great gameplay. Uncharted 2 has all that in spades. The game STARTS with you climbing your way out of a train that's falling off a cliff while you slowly bleed to death, with no idea how you got there. And the "Holy crap!" moments just get bigger from there. And there's no word for the voice acting other than "top-notch".

2. Halo 3: ODST
It might not even be the best game of the year, but man oh man, it is a strong contender for best expansion pack of all time. One couldn't even really call it an expansion pack, really. It's got a fully-fleshed out single-player campaign (and it even has a story that doesn't require a PhD in Halo mythology to understand!), and the full functionality of Halo 3's matchmaking, theater, and forge features, and even more multiplayer maps! But catapulting what is still, after all, an expansion pack, nearly to the top of the list is one little word: Firefight. Horde Mode? Schmorde Mode. Nazi Zombies? Schmazi Zombies. Firefight is where the Co-op multiplayer experience of the year is at. Every passing round gets more and more frantic as more wrinkles are thrown into the mix (more grenades! less ammo! stronger enemies!). And if you and your friends are good enough, you could be at it for hours, flying along by the skin of your teeth nonstop.

1. Batman: Arkham Asylum
This is it. THIS is the game I, along with Batman fans the world over, had been waiting for. It's not enough for gaming publications all over Christendom to simply call it the greatest comic-book videogame of all time, but now it's official! Thanks to a Metacritic rating of 92, it is a GUINNESS WORLD RECORD HOLDER. It's officially the best comic-book game of all time. Right from the start, we hoped against hope for it to be awesome. Paul Dini! Kevin Conroy! Mark Hamill! Influences like A Serious House on a Serious Earth, The Killing Joke, and the (Emmy-winning!) animated series meant we could really hope to avoid the disappointment that had so plagued us Batman fans for years on our home consoles. This game has it all, forensics, puzzle-solving, scaling giant buildings, swooping in on unsuspecting foes, and most importantly, the ability to look down on a group of 15 or 20 bad guys and think, "no problem". Finally, a Batman game that really makes you feel like Batman.

But it's not like Christmas at all: Christmas Songs for people who Don't Like Christmas Songs

2009-12-13T19:34:00.001-08:00

(Hey, everybody! It's been a while, hasn't it?)

In recent years, I've discovered a problem: while I love Christmas more than any other day of the year, I've found more and more as time goes on that I really can't stand most of the Christmas music that gets played year after year after year after ear-wrenching year. Whether it's because I've been listening to the same ten arrangements of the same ten songs for my entire life, or because they're just too sappy and smarmy for my tastes, I really can't take too much "traditional" Christmas music before I start going crazy.

But I've made a discovery, too; some artists are actually making new, GOOD Christmas music! Whether they be original songs or just fresh arrangements, here's a list of some unique Christmas music that I actually enjoy, songs that don't feel old because you've been hearing the exact same version since you were little (presented alphabetically by title).

1. All I Want for Christmas is my One Front Tooth - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

From this year's Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas, ATHF's Meatwad sings about his desire for a tooth for Christmas so he can say "Twisted Sister references to Christian", before being interrupted by Master Shake and Frylock, who tell him he's actually supposed to have 32 teeth, but doesn't because he eats candy all the time and doesn't have dental insurance. So instead, he rattles off a list of the things he would really like for Christmas, including a vibrating neck massager and an mp3 player.

2. Baby it's Cold Outside - Leon Redbone & Zooey Deschanel

A great Christmas love song is made even greater when you've got two silky-smooth singers performing it for you. This song, along with She & Him's Volume 1, sometimes make me think Zooey Deschanel, while a perfectly enjoyable actress, might have gone into the wrong career. More music, please!

3. Boxing Day - Relient K

A perfect song to chase away any December 26-related blues you might get, reminding you that while Christmas is over, it brings along the promise of a new and better year, and the hope that the future will be even brighter than the past.

4. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - Death Cab for Cutie

Sometimes sad Christmas songs are just better. Like this one, that serves as a reminder that Christmas just isn't the same without the people we love being around us. It sucks to be alone on Christmas, and this song gets that.

5. Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC

No list of non-traditional Christmas music would be complete without Run DMC. A festive holiday rap about meeting Santa on the street, finding that he's dropped his wallet, and attempting to return it is just about the height of holiday silliness.

6 & 7. A Great Big Sled - The Killers & Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time! - Sufjan Stevens

Grouped together because they both share pretty much the same sentiment - that the magic of Christmas seems so much bigger, brighter, and better when you're a little kid (especially if you live in some dead-behind-the-eyes city like Las Vegas).

8. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day - Pedro the Lion

A sweet and simple arrangement of a song that's been around for almost a century and a half breathes new life into it, as a quiet, toned-down, touching ballad about the victory of good over evil on Christmas Day.

9. My Little Drum - Vince Guaraldi Trio

"The Little Drummer Boy" might be my least favorite Christmas song of all time, apart from "Do You Hear What I Hear?". Last time I checked, there weren't any drummers at the manger when Jesus was born. The song doesn't make any sense, and the "pa-rum-pa-pum-pum"ing is enough to drive even the calmest person over the edge. But on Vince Guaraldi takes out the lyrics, changes the melody until it's almost unrecognizable, and makes it into a great Christmas jazz selection.

10. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree - Gary Hoey

Every song with the word "Rock" or some variant in the title has a problem: if it doesn't actually rock, it sounds pretty stupid. And "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree" might be the least rockin' song of all time (with the possible exception of "Rock Lobster", "It's Still Rock & Roll to Me" or "I am a Rock"). But Gary Hoey fixes that problem. He picks up his electric guitar and makes it rock.

11. Sleigh Ride - Los Straitjackets

A surf-rock band that dresses up as Luchadores might not seem like the best candidate to write great Christmas music, but weirdly enough, a surf-rock rendition of "Sleigh Ride" might be the best rendition I've ever actually heard of an otherwise utterly mediocre song.

"We have an obligation to protect our trademark; otherwise we'd lose it." - Noel Lee

2009-06-18T17:48:00.001-07:00

Monster Cable Products is run by litigious maniacs.

But let me back up for a moment: for those of you unfamiliar with Monster Cable Products, they are a Brisbane, CA-based electronics company, notable for purveying wildly overpriced video and audio cables to the rubes strolling the TV section at Best Buy, as well as tax evasion.

I recently heard that they had filed a lawsuit against Monster Mini Golf Courses over their use of the name, you guessed it, "Monster". Now, I know that there shouldn't be much confusion over which is which - overpriced electronics or glow-in-the-dark mini golf, but apparently there was some concern.

Curious, I decided to investigate a little bit more, and came to the conclusion that either Monster Cable Products is run, as I said, by litigious maniacs, or that they think all Americans are stark raving idiots. I'm going with option A.

Allow me to elaborate. A short, non-comprehensive list of things that Monster Cable Products is NOT:

1. A chain of miniature golf courses.
2. An energy drink.
3. A purveyor of performance car parts.
4. A reality show about building wild machines.
5. A line of paintballs.
6. A children's cross-country skiing group.
7. A slot machine.
8. A used clothing website.
9. An employment website.
10. A series of seats above the left-field wall in Boston's Fenway Park.
11. A Disney movie about brightly-colored creatures that go bump in the night for a living.
12. The Chicago Bears.

Now, a short, probably-non-comprehensive list that, judging by the lawsuits they've filed, Monster Cable products is worried the American public will think they ARE:

1. A chain of miniature golf courses (The aforementioned Monster Mini Golf).
2. An energy drink (Monster).
3. A purveyor of performance car parts (Monster Transmission)
4. A reality show about building wild machines (Monster Garage).
5. A line of paintballs (Monster's Balls).
6. A children's cross-country skiing group (Snow Monsters)
7. A slot machine (Monster Slots of Bally's Gaming International).
8. A used clothing website (monstervintage.com)
9. An employment website (monster.com)
10. A series of seats above the left-field wall in Boston's Fenway Park (The Monster Seats).
11. A Disney movie about brightly-colored creatures that go bump in the night for a living (Monsters, Inc.).
12. The Chicago Bears (The Monsters of the Midway).

Now, would everyone please raise their hands if they thought that any of these were the same thing? That's what I thought.

Monster Cable Products is run by litigious maniacs.

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Is Disney finally getting its act back together?

2009-06-08T15:39:00.001-07:00

I went to the movie theater to see Up with Kim the other day (which, by the way, was totally awesome), and saw a preview for a new Disney movie. Blah blah, ho hum, Pixar is the only good part of Disney these days, et cetera et cetera. But wait! What is this? A return to...::gasp:: traditional animation? Say it IS so!

Yes, the upcoming film The Princess and the Frog is taking Disney back to its roots for good, old fashioned 2D, pen-and-paper animation. You know what I say? It's about darn time. It's been almost a decade since we saw a good hand-drawn movie (sorry, I'm not a big fan of Lilo and Stitch), and with cartoons becoming less and less inspired every year (I'm looking at you, Space Chimps), it'll be nice to see if Disney can bring back the good old days of Broadway-musical-style cartoons.

Yeah, it might stink like almost every other cartoon that's come out in the last ten years, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

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I hate the internet.

2009-05-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone hates watching or listening to advertisements. That's why we have Tivo, radio presets, and, most importantly, pop-up blockers. I've lost count of the number of times my Firefox browser has given me that little yellow window that says, "Firefox prevented this site from opening a pop-up" and thought, "Oh, thank GOD."

But what happens when the pop-up blocker isn't enough anymore? CHAOS. Well, maybe not chaos, but extreme annoyance and accidental clicks on advertisements. I think if had to pick one person to string up by his toes and beat with a tube sock full of wood screws, it would be the guy who developed the technology to build pop-up ads into the flash coding of a website so it won't be caught by the blocker. Not only does it force me to watch scrolling advertisements for lame movies, but more often than not, the "close" links are incredibly small and hard to find.

Of all the websites employing this technology, though, ign.com is BY FAR the worst of the bunch. Not only do those things pop up every cotton-pickin' time you go there, but new developments show that there is now a pop-up ad that simply looks exactly like the layout of the website itself, but instead of links to stories and reviews galore, every link sends you to Nestea's awful, awful, awful, awful liquidawesomeness.com. Check it out and see if it doesn't make your blood boil.

I heard the worst song ever on Sunday.

2009-03-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

No, really. I know that's a loft claim, but seriously. Worst. Song. Ever. A brand new song, too. Worse than "MacArthur Park" or "Last Kiss" or "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't do That)".

What could possibly be worthy of such a, ahem, lofty title?

The dubious distinction of worst song of all time is hereby officially rewarded, now and forever, to Britney Spears's new single, "If You Seek Amy".

For those of you unfamiliar (and I pray, for your sake, that you are), the chorus is "Love me, hate me / Say what you want about me / But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy." Say it out loud very fast for the full effect. Get it? Sorry.

What's so grating about this song, aside from the fact that it's foul and offensive and that Britney Spears needed to hang it up like five years ago, is...well, two things actually:

1. The total lack of self-awareness. Are they, Britney? Really? No, I don't think so. but more importantly...

2. It rivals even most of Katy Perry's songs in utter puerility. The first thing it made me think of was that one guy we all new in elementary school or junior high who would try to get all his friends* to say things like "I am sofa king we Todd did" or "My dixie wrecked" and think it was just the funniest thing in the world. It's only clever if you're twelve.

Of course, I guess most of Britney's biggest fans are probably about that age, which is a sad commentary on the state of this nation's youth, but also not the topic of this blog. Maybe Britney's happened upon a hot new career in immature children's music.

*Not that they actually had any friends.

Post-Oscar thoughts pt. 2: Why Sean Penn needs to shut up

2009-03-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

For those of you who haven't seen or heard it yet:

The most deceivingly self-aware moment of the entire speech? "I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me...often." I say "deceivingly" because he clearly doesn't understand - nay, he doesn't even approach understanding of how hard he makes it.

First he spectacularly fails to single-handedly save New Orleans from disaster, and now this.

Let me clarify: I don't necessarily think he's totally wrong in what he's saying. I do understand that he is fully within his rights to say whatever he wants when he gets up on that stage. But it's also fully within my rights to change the channel when he starts talking (or, more accurately, to hit the fast-forward button on my DVR). I don't care what his political beliefs are...but that's only because I don't care what anyone's political beliefs are. When I watch the Oscars, I just want to be entertained.

I'd like to take a poll: how many of you watch the Oscars because you want to hear the acceptance speeches? How many of because you want to hear the political acceptance speeches? Hands, please. Anyone? No one? What a surprise.

If Hollywood wants to keep people tuning in for this yearly celebration of self- important self-congratulation, somebody better put a muzzle on Sean Penn...and hope Michael Moore doesn't ever make another movie. Because a gentleman should never discuss sex or politics - but look out! Here's both!

Post-Oscar thoughts pt. 1: Why The Dark Knight should have won Best Picture (and it's not just because I'm a nerd)

2009-02-28T10:44:00.001-08:00

I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with cracked.com writer Dan O'Brien, who said, "I thought it was weird when they said 'Slumdog Millionaire' when they really meant 'The Dark Knight'."

Seriously, can someone offer me a valid reason why, apart from Heath Ledger's shoe-in victory, The Dark Knight was snubbed so spectacularly at this year's awards (hint: this is impossible)?

In order that I may not just sound like a nerd ranting on an on about his nerdy pursuits, here is an involved, well-thought-out (sort of), point-by-point argument in favor of TDK, as well as its specific merits over each best picture nominee.

1. IT'S MORE UPLIFTING THAN SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Slumdog Millionaire is the story of poor boy from the Mumbai slums in India competing Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, performing better than anyone would have thought possible, being questioned and tortured by police, winning the grand prize, and finding true love...and then, along with his friends, is exploited by a movie director, gets no money, and goes right back to living in a makeshift shack. Whoops. So much for the happy ending.

The Dark Knight, on the other hand, is a fantastic tale of the triumph of the human spirit in the face of absolute terror and evil. Our hero will not allow himself to be corrupted by or brought down to the level of his enemies, and when faced with an impossible decision, the people of his city show that deep down, they are all good at their core, not allowing themselves to take the coward's way out of a tough situation. Like Batman says to the Joker, "This city just showed you that not everyone in it is as ugly as you."

2. IT'S "BRAVER" THAN THE READER
Now, normally I detest the notion of "brave" filmmaking: fighting a war takes bravery. Fighting racism takes bravery. Getting paid millions of dollars to stand in front of (or behind) a movie camera does not take bravery. But let me elaborate.
The Reader is the story of a young law student who must defend his former lover in a Nazi war crimes trial. He is in possession of evidence that would exonerate her, but here's the twist! She is unwilling to use the evidence because they were lovers when he was just a teenager! Scandal! Such bravery!

...oh, wait. Never mind. That's just boring and gross. Also, even Hugh Jackman said at the Oscars that nobody freaking saw this movie.

TDK, on the other hand, shows a bit of bravery in it's willingness to totally go against comic-book movie conventions. It's grisly (and not in the expected, over-the-top way of comic movies like The Punisher or Sin City), it's sophisticated (it's been favorably compared to such great crimes movies as Heat and Ronin), and it isn't held down by the obligatory happy ending.

Yeah, everything I just said about the movie being uplifting? Pretty much a lie. Sure, the bad guy gets put in jail at the very end, but let's face facts: Joker won. Don't believe me? let's take a look at the evidence:

EXHIBIT A: Harvey Dent lies dead, but not before being horribly disfigured and driven insane with guilt/rage over his beloved Rachel's death, as well Batman and Gordon's inability to save her, going on a mini-killing spree, and even attempting to murder Gordon's family.

EXHIBIT B: In order to preserve Harvey's reputation as "Gotham's White Knight", Batman is forced to take the fall for Harvey's wrongdoings, and is sent on the run, now being chased and cast out by the very people he swore to protect.

EXHIBIT C: Joker has achieved his ultimate goal: the destruction of organized crime in Gotham City. Of course, his intentions are less than noble...he simply wants to replace it disorganized crime. And with no Batman, the path to that goal seems clear.

3. IT'S MORE POLITICALLY RELEVANT THAN MILK
What's that, you say? A comic book movie is more political than a movie about politics? I say yes. Why? Three little words. War. On. Terror. With the coming of a new president and the disproportionate amount of huggy-kissy feelings it seems to have brought on can make one forget about the not-so-long-ago days of Patriot Acts, prisoner torture, and unlicensed wiretapping. And speaking of unlicensed wiretapping: remember the cell phone sonar? Like Dubya himself, Batman asked his citizens (well, didn't really ask) for a short time in order to preserve the greater good, with the promise that those freedoms would shortly be reinstated.

As for Milk? Even if it is a true story, what was that, like 40 years ago? Who remembers that far back? I can't even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. What do I care?

4. IT'S GOT A BETTER CHARACTER DYNAMIC THAN FROST/NIXON
Tom Long of the Detroit News says of Frost/Nixon, "Frank Langella and Michael Sheen put on the year's most provocative and finely-tuned display of deuling egos." Roger Ebert writes, "the film really comes down to these two compelling, intense performances." Enrique Buchichio of Uruguay Total had this to say: "Estupendo cine sobre periodismo y política, que logra fascinar con sus entretelones de una entrevista crucial que es presentada casi como si fuera una pelea de boxeo."

But Tom Long also writes,

"(Heath Ledger's) performance as the Joker is such well-constructed chaos that it manages to be simultaneously hilarious and terrifying...The Joker...recognizes in Batman a kindred twisted spirit, and wants to play games. He's not interested in money, just craziness, violence and good times."

Ebert says this:

"Batman is good, yes, The Joker is evil, yes. But Batman poses a more complex puzzle than usual: The citizens of Gotham City are in an uproar, calling him a vigilante and blaming him for the deaths of policemen and others. And the Joker is more than a villain. He’s a Mephistopheles whose actions are fiendishly designed to pose moral dilemmas for his enemies."

Just ask yourself one question: what's more engrossing? Two wrinkly old guys gabbing about hotels and audiotapes, or two nutjobs battling over a city's very soul?

5. IT'S BETTER THAN BENJAMIN BUTTON
My thoughts on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button have already been outlined in detail on this very page. Read back if you want to know more. Suffice it to say, Benjamin Button is the only movie I've ever walked out on in the theater.

And just a couple of bonus reasons for you loyal readers out there...

6. EVERYONE LIKED IT BETTER
Let's take a look at IMDB's ratings for the six aforementioned movies, presented in ascending order, as well as their respective rankings on IMDB's top 250 movies list:
6. The Reader - 7.8 - not ranked
5. Milk - 8.0 - not ranked
4. Frost/Nixon - 8.1 - 246/250
3. Benjamin Button - 8.3 - 135/250
2. Slumdog Millionaire - 8.6 - 41/250
1. The Dark Knight - 9.0 - 6/250

350,000 voters can't be wrong: this is the sixth greatest movie of all time, behind The Shawshank Redemption, The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly; and Pulp Fiction. Sure, it's only four-tenths of a point ahead of Slumdog, but this is on a list where there's only a 1.1-point difference between first and two-hundred-fiftieth. But it can't even get nominated?

7. ZEROES
Specifically, nine of them. The nine you'll need to talk about the money The Dark Knight has made. Yes, it is officially the fourth film in history to gross over a billion dollars. And that's just in theaters. Of the other three, only Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest hasn't won a best-picture Oscar (of course, that's because that movie stunk out loud, but that's the subject of another blog. Stay tuned for How on God's Green Earth did Dead Man's Chest Ever Gross a Billion Dollars?). Not to mention all the other box-office awards it's broken: biggest midnight showing gross, biggest opening day gross, biggest opening weekend gross, biggest IMAX opening weekend gross, fastest movie to hit $500 million, and many more.

But no, none of this good enough for Uncle Oscar, who continues to reward safe, boring movies that nobody but the people in Hollywood like - and we all know how disconnected Hollywood is from the rest of the world. Oh, well. Guess we'll just have to hope that Chris Nolan goes for three.

Just two quick thoughts.

2009-02-19T18:28:00.001-08:00

Holy bajeezus. I totally thought this was some kind of jokey reference to crazy goings-on in 30 Rock (one of the best TV shows ever!), but nope. It's 100 per cent real life. Tracy Morgan's NY apartment caught fire because of a faulty lighting fixture. In. His. Shark. Tank.

Wowzers. Apparently Tracy Jordan does bear a lot of similarities to his real life counterpart.

Also, I just found out that Blogspot provides an RSS feed. If you're interested (and you should be), just add /rss.xml to the end of my blog's URL and sign up!

My baloney has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R-S...

2009-02-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

So why is it that less and less people are watching the Oscars every year? Is it because the Academy presents awards to lesser-known (but superior) movies? Maybe. Is it because not enough people are familiar with Jon Stewart? Possibly. Is it because they've become an overlong, self-important parade of blowhards telling us about The Magic of Movies and using their Hollywood accolade as a platform to air their views on the War on Terror? Probably.

But whatever the reason, one thing is for certain: the good men and women of the Academy have absolutely no effing clue how to solve the problem.

First off: if Oscar really wants to award movies that people have actually seen, 2008 would have been the perfect year to do it, with a little movie called The Dark Knight. One of the most critically praised movies of the year, it's also made more money than all five best picture nominees combined, not to mention nearly every movie ever. But no, instead they went gay for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (see my thoughts on that one post down) and threw it the best-supporting-actor bone and a bunch of technical awards that nobody really cares about - although, if I had to pick one major award for it to receive, Heath Ledger would definitely be the most deserving.

Second: eh, never mind. I could take this opportunity to rail on Hugh Jackman as the new host, but I think he's a talented guy and will probably do fine. But I did like Jon Stewart.
Third: here's some snippets from a N.Y. Times story about steps the academy is taking to get people watching...

Others said the show itself would have a narrative line, with the awards arranged to tell a story that will involve presenters as well as nominees. In all, it is a bit of show business elaborate enough to require guidance from Fatima Robinson, who worked with Mr. Condon as choreographer of his film of the musical “Dreamgirls.”

Wait...isn't that what an awards show is? A narrative of who won what when and where and for what?

There has been a whisper as well that some celebrity arrivals on Oscar night might not walk the red carpet at all — a twist that would force the curious actually to watch the show itself to see all the celebrities and the gowns, rather than getting their fill from outside news media that cover the arrivals for a host of outlets.

Yes, that's a great idea. Take half the reason most people watch the Oscars in the first place (the red carpet show) and eliminate it. That'll sure get people tuning in, right? Who doesn't want to watch something that's taken out the only part they want to watch? It worked so well for Dumb and Dumberer without Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels! Because people totally won't be able to pull up pictures of the telecast itself on the internet the next day. Further proof the academy, for lack of a better word, just doesn't get it.

Other random thoughts on the nominations themselves, in an easy-to-follow numbered list...

1. Marisa Tomei again? Is she actually that talented?

2. I've said it before and I'll say it again: we need to lose the "Best Animated Feature" category. Not because there aren't award-worthy cartoons, but because there are only three nominees each year and everyone always knows who's going to win about 5 months before the nominees are even announced (in this case, WALL-E). I'm pretty sure the only reason this award even exists in the first place is because some of the fuddy-duddies got their knickers in a bunch when Disney's Beauty and the Beast was actually nominated for best picture. Heavens to Murgatroid! Can one of these so-called "car-tunes" actually have emotional heft and an involving narrative? Harrumph and kerfuffel!

3. Benjamin Button is probably going to win best makeup - and I will admit, it was fairly impressive that they managed to make Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett look as young as they did without it being super-creepy - but Hellboy II was one of the prettiest, best-looking movies I've ever seen and if it doesn't win I'm going to riot.

4. Only 3 song nominations, but no Springsteen...hmmm...

5. Nobody cares about the short film or documentary categories. If you want to get more people to watch, there's four categories you could lose and trim the show down quite a bit without one person caring.

The Curious Case of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-02-02T01:28:00.000-08:00

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button opened on Christmas Day, 2008 to rave reviews. It's listed on many a critic's top-ten list, is currently #98 on IMDB's 250 greatest movies of all time, and recently wrapped up 13 Oscar nominations...and if it wins 12 of those, it will overtake Titanic, Ben-Hur, and The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King for most Oscars won. Starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett, directed by David Fincher, and written by Eric Roth (more on him later), it seems like a shoe-in to take a lot of major awards pretty soon.

And on Friday, January 30, I walked out on it.

What could have caused this? What could have made me, a self-proclaimed cinematic semi-snob, walk out on possibly the most critically beloved movie of the year?

Because I found it to be, in a word, long.

But I don't mean just in terms of minutes and hours. Clocking in at two hours and forty-two minutes, it's not the longest movie I've seen (or at least attempted to see) by a long shot. And I have no problem with long movies. Speaking of Return of the King, I've willingly sat through the four-and-a-half-hour extended cut on several occasions, and will probably do so several more times. And The Godfather, parts 1 and 2, are two of my favorite movies of all time.

No, Benjamin Button is simply one of those movies that just feels long. The only other recent example I can think of is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which went on for what felt like a week and a half (I never saw the third movie. Anyone care to tell me if it was the same way?). These are movies that, through snail-like plot development, sleepy direction, and general lack of motivation (or, in the case of Pirates, mind-numbing stupidity), just drag on...and on...and on. I was truly and honestly surprised when I looked at my watch after what felt like easily two hours of movie and realized that, like the Highlander, there had been only one. After the four-hour-but-really-only-two-hour mark, I decided I just couldn't take it anymore.

Maybe it was a mistake to see such a late showing. Maybe it was a mistake to make an attempt at such a long (or overlong) movie while I'm in the midst of a battle with back and neck pain. Or maybe it was a mistake to shell out ten hard-earned dollars on this movie. While I really, really, really wanted to enjoy it, the more I think about it, the more I lean towards possibility number 3.

Being somewhat familiar with the works of F. Scott Fitzgerald (who wrote the short story this movie is based on), but wholly unfamiliar with this particular piece, I really had no idea what to expect from the movie beyond the most basic of plot descriptions: Brad Pitt plays a man who is born with the physical shape, capabilities, and limitations of a very, very old man, and ages backwards. Intriguing? Absolutely.

But it just fell flat for me. The biggest reason had to be the pacing, which was glacial. I see no reason why this movie couldn't have been trimmed down much closer to two hours. Right at the very beginning, the movie spends way too much time with telling a story that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, and listening to old, withered Cate Blanchett talk about who knows what (I literally could only understand half of what she was saying) before actually getting into the story.

And then when the story does come, turns out we've all seen it before. Substitute aging backwards with leg braces and mental handicap and you've got Forrest Gump - which (surprise!) was also written by Eric Roth. Just like Forrest, Benjamin's whole life is defined by one thing - his condition.

And just like Forrest Gump, it becomes fairly obvious how the movie is going to end about 45 minutes in. Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett meet when she is very young and he is very old/young, and form a fast friendship. Now we know that there are two possibilities: either they will overcome Pitt's odd condition to fall deeply in love with each other and she will care for him in his old age/infancy or he will decide that they can never be together because he does not want her to have to care for him in his old age/infancy. And a quick check of the plot synopsis shows...hey, it's actually both. But once you've figured out the end of the movie, you've still got two hours to go.

And maybe I just couldn't suspend my disbelief quite enough, but there was only one word going through my mind any time Pitt and Blanchett were on screen together, obviously falling in "love"* despite their vast age difference: gross. I really don't care if they are actually the same age. She looks twenty, he looks 70. It's gross.

I just never felt drawn in by this movie. The fantasy world just didn't do it for me. Maybe because it never stayed in the fantasy world. The movie is presented as Blanchett's daughter reading Benjamin's diary while looking after her mother in a New Orleans hospital as Hurricane Katrina is hitting the city. Why? Why was this necessary? Couldn't she just be at home in bed? This, above all else, kept me from getting immersed in the movie's fantasy - I kept waiting for mother and daughter to go flying out the window at 200 MPH or have a girder fall on their heads.

The final consensus? The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is just not that good. With a cast and director like this movie had, it really should have deserved to net those 13 Oscar nods. But it just didn't.

*Also, for such a romantic, escapist fantasy, this movie sure does substitute sex for love a whole heck of a lot.

You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna bring you down! Pt. 2

2008-12-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

And so, folks, here is the conclusion to Jeph Mitchum's "Best of 2008" list, with The best video games of the past year. Again, remember that I am only one person with little money and time...and also limited access to systems that aren't an Xbox 360. So it's all pretty subjective. Deal with it.

10. Race Driver: GRID
Doing for the TOCA Race Driver series what Dirt did for the Colin McRae series, it strikes a fantastic balance between arcade- and simulation-style racers, for those of us who, like me, never quite got the hang of the Gran Turismo or Forza Motorsport games. And the flashback feature is a godsend for anybody who's come dangerously close to breaking a controller because they lost out on a race in the last hard turn, allowing the player to rewind the race just a few seconds in order to take a better line on that tough turn or muscle between those last few cars.

9. Devil May Cry 4
It's enjoyable, it's over the top, it's ridiculous in all the right ways...almost all the right ways, anyway. Not higher up on the list because, quite frankly, I didn't really see the point of a new protagonist. It did end up being done well, but Devil May Cry just isn't the same without Dante. But a slew of new powers and weapons and all the stupid-crazy stunts we've come to expect are here in full force, and there's no denying that, above all else, it's a heck of a fun game to play.

8. Mega Man 9
There's no denying that the Mega Man series has been suffering the past few years. Without a true numbered sequel, we've had nothing with which to sate ourselves except a whole bunch of Battle Networks that, quite frankly, are all the same. So what was Capcom to do? Answer: hire developer Inti Creates to take the series back to its roots...even the box art recalls the days of the famously stupid covers of games 1 and 2. The graphics, the sound, the skill set, the ball-busting difficulty all hearken back to the Blue Bomber's 8-bit glory days. Which is a surefire recipe for instant awesome. Now if we just get Sega to do the same for Sonic the Hedgehog...

7. Sid Meier's Civilization Revolution
Civilization was another franchise that lots of console gamers never got the hang of...after all, not everyone has days upon days to invest in a single RTS campaign. So, the good people at 2K Games scaled the experience back so that a campaign now lasts hours instead of days - but they managed to retain 100 per cent of the fun times. Countless civilizations to take from the Stone Age to the Space Age, randomized maps to keep up the replay value, and all of Sid Meier's charming genius make this one of the must-play titles of 2008 that nobody played.

6. Bully: Scholarship Edition
How can a port of a 2-year old GTA ripoff be one of the best games of the year? Well, it's much more than just a ripoff (but that's a discussion for another day), and Rockstar saw fit to include tons of new missions, new characters, new classes, and new items to make the game a new experience for anyone who had already played it on PS2 and a must-get for newcomers. If nothing else, a wintertime story arc in which protagonist Jimmy Hopkins helps a drunken hobo dressed as Santa Claus take down the "impostor" taking kids on his knee by city hall is worth the price of admission. I laughed more than I had in a very long time.

5. Super Smash Bros. Brawl
The lone non-360 game on my list definitely earned its spot. The second-best party game of the year provides fans of the franchise all they could ever want - a huge roster, great levels (and a great level creator!), online support (finally!), and even a great, well-thought-out single-player campaign. Get four friends around a Wii for a frantic party night and more trash-talk than you can shake a stick at. Get some non-gamer friends in on it, and you're sure to turn them.

4. Rock Band 2
If SSBB was an event, Rock Band is a full-blown cutural phenomenon. Never before has every man's air-guitar (and air-drum and karaoke) rock-star fantasy been so wonderfully fulfilled. With hundreds of songs to choose from (and more always coming), there's something for everybody in this, the perfect music package.

3. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
I can't be the only one who's noticed this, but lately, it seems like the only one who can't write a decent Star Wars script is the man himself, George Lucas. Why is that? No matter, The Force Unleashed bridges the gap between Episodes III and IV with a brand-new, amazingly written and acted story about Darth Vader's taking on a secret apprentice and plotting to overthrow the emperor...maybe. Flaws in gameplay (and there are some) are more than made up for by absolutely stellar storytelling.

2. Fable II
What will you become? A shining paragon of virtue, beloved by all the people of Albion, or a truly evil bastard? It's up to you. There were definitely some things lacking in the first Fable, but Lionhead came through this time, delivering on many of the promises they couldn't the first time. Every choice really feels like it has a real-world consequence. Your hero can become a real estate king, a literal king, even a parent. Probably the only thing keeping this game from the top spot is the all-time most anticlimatic ending in videogame history. Oh well, we'll just have to hold out for Fable III.

1. Grand Theft Auto IV/Braid
I couldn't do it. I thought about it for a long time, and I just couldn't pick one game as my best game of the year. And I don't think I could have picked two more different games to share the top spot.

GTA IV not only redefines the word "epic", but also builds vastly on everything that has made the past games great to deliver a first in the series - a truly emotional and affecting story. Every past hero has lived a life of excess and violence, but this is the first time on the games has examined what a life like that can really lead to. Niko Bellic is hands down the best and most engaging character of the year. And for the first time, Liberty City really feels like a truly living and breathing metropolis, from the highest skyscraper to the slummiest ghetto.

Braid, in stark contrast, can be finished without too much trouble in under an hour. Tim, the hero, never says a word. All we know about him is he's out to find the princess, who always seems to be in another castle. Sound familiar? But with brilliant time-travel gameplay mechanics and the most fiendishly difficult puzzles I've experienced in years, Braid turns a quarter-century old gaming genre square on its ear. And, even though it's by far the shortest game on this list, after I finished it and found out exactly why the princess is in another castle, it stuck with me way longer than any game I've played...ever. Is she hiding? Is she alive? Is she even real? If you own a 360, you owe it to yourself to find out.

Honorable mention awards to Castle Crashers, Ninja Gaiden II, and Soulcalibur IV.

You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna bring you down!

2008-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Well, the new year is almost here, and you know what that means. It means it's time for every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Jeff out in the blogosphere* to make his own arbitrary and unimportant best-of list that nobody cares about! So here's mine! As is always the case, the makers of this blog take no responsibility for not having viewed, played, or listened to anything that the readers of this blog feel should be included on the list. After all, I'm only one person with limited funds and time.

*NOTE TO SELF: make sure to write another "Words I Never Want to Hear Again" blog and include "blogosphere".

So anyway, here's Jeph Mitchum's "Best Movies of 2008" List.

10. Quantum of Solace
Sure, it's not really quite as good as Casino Royale, but "not quite as good as Casino Royale" is still leaps and bounds better than, say, 16 of the other 21 James Bond movies. Overcomes a somewhat simpering and forgettable villain, as well a somewhat "wait, what?" plot to deliver quite an enjoyable thrill ride.

9. The Bank Job
"Based on a True Story" is a phrase that gets tossed around a little too much these days, so much that we have to wonder if it's even really true. Of course, even when a movie really is based on a true story, the facts tend to get sensationalized. But even with a probably-embellished story, it still manages to be more believable and grounded than pretty much any other action movie you'll see this year.

8. Pineapple Express
Anyone who saw this movie now knows what the dozens and dozens of people who actually watched Freaks and Geeks have known for almost ten years: James Franco is WAY better doing highbrow stoner comedy (yes, that makes sense) than high drama or popcorn flicks. This movie delivers all the best kinds of stupid-funny in buckets.

7. Iron Man
After seeing this, I had to wonder how anyone could ever doubt that Robert Downey Jr. was the perfect choice to play Tony Stark. After all, the man was major-league womanizer and addict, playing a major-league womanizer and alcoholic who also owns a state-of-the-art battlesuit. Not much in the way of a truly memorable villain, but everyone delivers a great performance, and it successfully transplants Iron Man's origin story into a modern setting.

6. Be Kind Rewind
Coherent? Sometimes. Well-acted? Also sometimes. Oddball? Sure. Funny? Sure. A simple-sweet, heartwarming flick that reminds those of us who love movies exactly what we love about movies in the first place, and a great reminder about what's great about community involvement? Absolutely.

5. Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?
Morgan Spurlock takes the familiar parental question, "Who wants to raise children in a world like this?" And takes it to the next level in trying to solve one off this worlds biggest problems: terrorism. Of course he can't, but along the way, he sheds a little light on a much more important question: "Why do people in other countries hate America so much?" It's edutainment!

4. Hellboy II: the Golden Army
Question: how does Guillermo del Toro make sure his comic-book adaptation remains faithful to the source material? Answer: he enlists the creator of the comic book to collaborate with him on the story. Weird how that works, right? Hellboy II is one of the most immersive, eye-popping, well-realized fantasy movies to come along in a long time.

3. Cloverfield
Yeah, it's about ten years too late to catch a ride on the Blair Witch wagon, and no one in that movie can really act. But here's the thing: they don't have to act, because they're just normal people playing normal people. The movie is visceral and intense, not to mention a triumph of viral marketing.

2. WALL-E
King of the 2008 crop of "message movies", also the best. Few movies have done so much with so little in the way of dialogue or exposition. Also, I'm not ashamed to admit, it made me cry a little bit at the end.

1. The Dark Knight
Come on. Were any of you really expecting anything else from me? Putting aside the nerdiness factor of a Batman movie, even putting aside Heath Ledger's show-stealing performance as the Joker, The Dark Knight is a fantastic and gritty crime drama - one for the ages.

Honorable mention awards to Burn After Reading, In Bruges, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, Tropic Thunder, and The Incredible Hulk.

Probably-Awesome-but-I-Haven't-Seen-It mention awards to City of Ember, Rachel Getting Married, and The Wackness.

So-Bad-It's-Good award goes to Doomsday. It seems like makers of the movie couldn't decide whether they wanted a movie set in a dystopian, post-apocalyptic wasteland or medieval England. So they said to themselves, "Why not both?" And holy bajeezus, did they ever give us a hysterically deranged joyride. I think everyone in this movie might have been on crack...and I mean that in the best possible way.

And the award nobody really cares about goes to...

2008-12-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

Well, awards season is gearing up, and here come the Golden Globes (motto: "We may not be the Oscars, but at least we're not the Emmys"). Just some quick thoughts about some of the nominations:

On The Wrestler: Who ever thought there might come a day when we would have to refer to him as "award-winning actor Mickey Rourke"?

On the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's insistence on including comedies and musicals in the same category: Can musicals not be dramas? I don't really understand this. I remember when Dreamgirls got nominated in the "Best Picture: Comedy or Musical" category. Did anyone ever think any other movie in this category had a snowball's chance in Hell of winning? They aren't even in the same category...and they shouldn't be.

On the HFPA's gayness over Vicky Christina Barcelona: thank God Scarlett Johannson didn't manage to snag a nomination. I honestly don't understand why people think she has talent. Well, actually, I suppose she does have some talent. Two talents, in fact. Below her neck.

On the "Best Animated Feature Film" category: needs to not exist. The three movies that get nominated in this category are always the only three major animated releases of the year. And there's always one that's clearly the best (in this case, WALL-E), so what's the point?

On Tom Cruise's Best Supporting Actor nomination: really? No, really? THE HFPA thinks this performance was on par with, for example, Heath Ledger's in The Dark Knight? I suppose the nomination would be deserved if the category was "Best Wearing of a Fat Suit and Fake Hair and Yelling of Profanities", but "Best Supporting Actor"? No.

How to Stop an Imploding Show? - Why I might stop watching Heroes

2008-10-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

When NBC's Heroes premiered in 2006, it was far and away one of the best new shows on television, not to mention the highest-rated drama in years for the network. Fresh, smartly paced, and filled with believable and relatable characters, it averaged over 14 million viewers for its amazing first season.

Then came the writers' strike of 2-double-aught-7. After the second season was cut down to only eleven episodes with no new material coming out after the strike was resolved, fans had a long wait until the third season.

Turns out not many had the patience. After a lackluster, snail-paced second season, viewership has been cut in half. And things aren't getting better. Here are some of the reasons why I might have to join the millions who are leaving Heroes's fields for greener pastures:

1. EVERYBODY'S GOT A DAMN SUPERPOWER...AND SOME OF THEM ARE DAMN STUPID
Sure, the name of the show is Heroes, but these days, the show seems to be coming from the Dwight Schrute School of Hero Definition. Not every hero has to be a superpowered freak. Has anyone else noticed that one of the show's most consistently compelling and enjoyable characters (Noah Bennett, H.R.G., whatever you want to call him) is pretty much the only one left without any superpowers whatsoever (that we know of, anyway)? And now, they've got a way to give everybody in the world a superpower...but the problem with that is best summed up by Syndrome of The Incredibles: "When everyone is super, no one will be." The prospect of everyday people suddenly realizing and learning to cope with the fact that they aren't normal people anymore was fresh and exciting. But now superpowers have become so commonplace that they're really hard to stay excited about. I realize I'm about to start complaining about realism in a show about superheroes, but get over it. Without at least a couple of characters with one foot still planted in reality, the cast is getting awfully hard to identify with.

Case in point: Mohinder Suresh. He started out as a normal guy just looking for answers in the wake of his father's tragic death. His discovery of what his father was researching, his trepidation at the evil that some used their powers for, and his fright/excitement about new discoveries was easy to understand, and gave some voice to how all the distinctly non-superpowered characters (and viewers) were feeling. Now he's a) the textbook definition of "beefcake", b) totally idiotic - more on that later - and c) wholesale Hollywood ripoff.

Sub-point: When Bob Bishop , a.k.a. Ned Rierson, revealed that he had the Midas Touch (literally), reaction was less, "Cool! That's a superpower I'd like to have!" and more, "What? That's retarded."

2. EVERYBODY'S A DAMN IDIOT
One of the absolute worst things a show (or movie, or book, or anything) can to do to advance the plot is resort to one of its until-now competent characters do something utterly stupid or out of character for no other reason than that's what needs to happen. It's annoying, it's lazy, it's just bad writing. And now, it's happening all the time. Pretty much every crisis in this show now could be stopped with the Heroes just realizing that they're doing something incredibly stupid and stopping it.

Case in point: damn near everybody. Suresh, the once intelligent and analytical scientist decided to inject himself with an unstable chemical designed to give superpowers without doing any sort of real research, and now he's the Fly. Claire decided on a whim to run off and chase baddies because big bad Sylar had the nerve to give her a lobe job, despite the fact that she's barely out of high school and has nothing resembling any sort of combat training. Peter stole Sylar's "hunger" to understand...I dunno, something...even though seventeen different people told him it would turn into an insatiable killing machine and he would end up hurting everyone he once loved...the list goes on and on and on.

But for my money, Hiro is the worst. The entire plot for this season is based on the premise that Hiro is such a bumbling ignoramus, he ought to wear a helmet when he's walking around. In the first season, his heroic quest comes about through his accidental discovery of an oncoming nuclear apocalypse and his belief that with great power comes...well, you know the rest. This season, it comes about through...his boredom. After viewing his father's video message telling him, "NO MATTER WHAT, DON'T EVER EVER EVER OPEN THE SAFE IN MY OFFICE. IT COULD RESULT IN THE END OF THE WORLD, AND OH YEAH, IT'S THE ENTIRE REASON I GOT THROWN OFF A ROOF IN THE FIRST PLACE", he says "f**k that" (I'm paraphrasing here) and pops it open, presumably for the kicks and giggles. The contents of the safe are stolen in literally less than thirty seconds by a group intent on destroying the world. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

3. IDIOTIC DAMN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT...OR NONE AT ALL
Again, having characters do something stupid or out of character solely to advance the plot is one of the first signs of creative bankruptcy. But when the characters continue to act on that initial idiotic decision, it's just maddening to watch. This is the third straight season Suresh has ended up doing scientific research for the bad guys even though he KNOWS THEY'RE THE BAD GUYS AND BAD THINGS WILL COME OUT OF IT. Nathan Petrelli spent almost the entire first season getting jerked around, manipulated, and betrayed by the oh-so-evil Linderman, and now he's taking career advice from his "ghost", thinking him to be a messenger from God after he is shot and suddenly finds religion. Maya, the scared little South American girl from season 2 with the power to flip out and kill people, suddenly, and for no discernable reason, slept with Mohinder and transformed overnight into Maya From the Block.

Of course, there are also the times where you think the plot might advance, but then the proverbial rug is pulled out from underneath you. Nathan's aforementioned religious conversion could have made for an interesting dynamic. Religious zealotry always makes for good conflict. But did he really get these superhuman abilities from a God who has destined him to perform great deeds and bring light to the world? Nope. Turns out he was just a guinea pig for prenatal gene splicing experimentation (cue Debbie Downer-esque "WAH WAH"). Then there are the villains being introduced. With more baddies to fight, tension should increase for our heroes tenfold. After all, fighting the same bad dude year after year can get a little tedious. Too bad they're being written out faster than a child star who just hit puberty. Out of the four villains they showed us at the outset, two are dead, and one is skulking around in the background and not speaking. The dude who could create black holes and the puppet master were shaping up to be great new additions to the show - black hole man as a repentant fugitive on the run who wants nothing more than to be rid of the Company and see his family again, and the puppet master as a genuine psychopath - until they were killed/imprisoned by the end of the very same episode they were introduced.

Case in point: the worst development this season, by virtue of being laughably unbelievable, is the supposedly new prospect of Claire, who can instantly heal from all wounds, suddenly no longer being able to feel pain because of the tinkering Sylar did on her upstairs. Now she's beginning to not feel human anymore, wondering how long it will be before she can't feel anything at all. Now, that would certainly be something to sympathize with, except for one thing: I will contend until the day I die that Claire could never really feel pain in the first place. Example: in the first season, she wakes up to find herself on an autopsy table with her chest literally torn in half, her ribcage and innards exposed for all the world to see. All she manages is a mild profanity before super-stitching herself back together and walking out. If I somehow managed to survive being gutted like a fish, I'd be screaming my head off in agonizing pain. You're telling me she felt the pain the same way I do? I'm calling BS on that.

4. THE WRITERS THINK WE'RE DAMN IDIOTS, TOO
The motto for this season in the writers' room has got to be "Continuity, Schmontinuity". How else can you explain Future Peter getting shot and killed when anyone who's been paying even the slightest amount of attention knows that, thanks to his being near Claire on several occasions and his passive absorption of everyone else's superpowers, he can never die? Or those cuts on his face never healing even though, like I just said, he's got super-healing powers? Or Sylar not being able to figure out that Noah is trying to betray and murder him some couple hundred feet away when we all saw him acquire Dale's super-hearing ability two years ago?

But even more grating than that is the breaking of the cardinal writing rule of "show, don't tell". Knox is a character who grows stronger when he is around someone who is afraid. With enough time, he can grow powerful enough to punch through walls and even through people. We all know this. We've known about it since the show first introduced him. Yet every single time he shows up on screen, he feels the need to say, "Your fear is making me stronger!" or "I grow stronger when you are afraid!" or "My powers will now increase because you are afraid, and I have the power to feed on other people's fear, so since you are afraid, I am now strong!" I think I speak for all Heroes fans when I say: shut the hell up.

Case in point: Peter, now robbed of his powers (most importantly, the super-healing) is thrown out of a window by his brother Sylar, who is telekinetic. He falls seven stories and, wondrously, doesn't die. Cue conspicuous close-up of Sylar, who, minutes before, had been trying to help his brother escape. How did Peter survive? Is it possible that Sylar slowed his descent to spare his life and aid in his escape? Probably, seeing as how three different characters wonder aloud, "How did he/you/I survive that fall?" and Peter, stopping just short of looking straight into the camera, tells Claire, "I think Sylar might have used his power to slow me down." Again, I say: shut the hell up.

5. DOC BROWN SYNDROME
As a rule, I really dislike time travel as a central storytelling device, due to the inherent paradox in changing the past or the future. To explain, let's use Terminator as an example. Sometime in the future, killer robots have enslaved humanity, though some humans resist their mechanical overlords, led by the fiersome warrior John Connor. To solve the problem, the robots send one of their own back through time to kill John's mother before he is ever born, therefore cutting the head off the metaphorical snake. The problems is thus: if John Connor is never born, the robots of the future will not have to send a killer robot back to dispose of him, but if they don't send a killer robot back to dispose of him, then he will be born, and they will need to send a killer robot back to dispose of him, and so on and so on and so on. Don't get me wrong Terminator is a fantastic movie, and time travel movies or shows can work well with a little suspension of disbelief. The first season of Heroes revolved around the heroes discovering that an atomic bomb will level New York city in the very near future and coming together to stop it. It was smartly done, well written, and full of great twists and turns the whole way.

But the writers don't seem to know any way to write that doesn't involve time travel and a coming apocalypse. Now, the nuclear explosion has been moved to the west coast and we've got a new character whose power is EXACTLY the same as a character that was killed shortly into the first season. Future Peter has come back to the present to prevent it from happening, only to irrevocably screw things up in the process. Matt Parkman has seen the future, and has turn into a lovesick, bordering-on-retarded man-child for the intensely annoying Daphne. Not to mention the never-ceasing cuts between past, present, and future require a flowchart to keep up on.

Case in point: again, Hiro is the biggest problem. He travels to the post-apocalyptic future and accidentally witnesses Ando, the Costello to his Abbott, murder him. Upon returning to the present, he becomes a total douche toward Ando, acting like the deed has already been done, much to Ando's chagrin. But he seems to be forgetting two things: 1. The whole point of seeing the future is to figure out how to change it, and hopefully stop Ando from ever killing him, and 2. his being a total douche all the time is more than likely what is going to set Ando down Murderville Lane, and it will be no one's fault but his own when he ends up with a gaping hole in his chest.

There's lots more where that came from (poorly-written, badly-placed slapstick comedy, asinine twists, too many new characters to keep up with, etc.), but that's all I can muster for now. I'm starting to get depressed. Please, Heroes. Prove me wrong. Be fresh and new and exciting again.

Make love, not Starcraft

2008-10-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you reading this are gamers (or how many people there are even reading this), but for those of you who are, remember Starcraft: Ghost? It was going to be a totally awesome 3rd-person shooter follow-up to the totally awesome RTS Starcraft. But then it got stuck in development limbo for something like 5 years until being put on "indefinite hold", saddening/maddening thousands of fans, myself included.

Well, apparently Blizzard doesn't remember. They have recently announced that the much-anticipated Starcraft II is going to be released as three separate games, possibly up to a year apart from each other.

Let's examine the possible motivations:

1. Money - of course they could always want more, but it's not like there exactly hurting for money, what with their owning the MMORPG that has more subscribers than all other combined.

2. Delay - Well, given the unfortunate aforementioned case of Ghost, it's definitely a possibility. But Blizzard would have to be run by complete idiots to screw this one up, given that it's already been in production for coming on five years and there are about 10 million people waiting for it (including all of South Korea).

3. Quality - Yeah, no. Again, Starcraft has sold 10 MILLION COPIES in the last decade, so it's gotta be pretty good (and yes, it is). That and World of Warcraft. I don't think Blizzard really has to worry about not making quality product.

4. Space - Yes, most PC games take up several gigabytes of space on a gamer's hard drive these days. Of course, that doesn't really make a difference anymore, as hard drive space comes cheap. Example: I bought a 500 gigabyte portable hard drive just last week for only 70 dollars. That's over 12 times the storage space on my computer for less than 10 percent of the price. So space considerations aren't a real issue.

So what could the explanation be? Who knows? All I know is it better not be the full 40 or 50 dollars for each game, because that would definitely cement my sneaking suspicion that explanation number 1 is the most likely.

Sonny Koufax: Advocate for Change

2008-09-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Now, I have never been one to much tout the merits of the so-called "important film", but even I will say that Hollywood can be a great catalyst for social and political change in today's entertainment-centric society. From An Inconvenient Truth bringing the oncoming perils of global warming to the forefront of political discourse to Do The Right Thing's in-your-face approach to race relations in urban America, films throughout history have never suffered from a fear of spreading a message.
But perhaps all these pale in comparison in what must have been previously regarded as lighthearted fare at best and tripe at worst: Adam Sandler's Big Daddy taking fast food giant McDonald's to task for their oppressive and confusing breakfast schedule.
Sadly, I was unable to find a video of the relevant clip, so a cut-and-paste from Wikiquote will have to get the job done.

McDonald's Cashier: Uh, sorry sir, we stopped serving breakfast.

Sonny: (looks at the clock on the wall) What do you mean, we're four seconds late.

McDonald's Cashier: No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.

Sonny: AHH, HORSESHIT! (Julian starts crying) No, no. Don't cry, I wasn't cursing at you, I was cursing at the lady.

Customer: Nice parenting.

Sonny: Thanks! What are you, my therapist?! (Throws man's fries) Take a walk! (To Julian) Do you want a happy meal? Can I get you one of those happy meals? You gotta happy meal? Can we get a happy meal? WILL SOMEBODY GET THIS KID A HAPPY MEAL!

(and later in the film)

Man with Notepad: Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?

Sonny: Breakfast is over at 10:30

Man With Notepad: Really?

Sonny: Yeah.

Man With Notepad: I thought it was 11:00!

Sonny: I thought that too!

As you can see, McDonald's refusal to serve breakfast until 11:00 can result in the tearing apart of families, making you look like an a**hole parent in front of strangers, and getting hobos mad at you...and we all know how dangerous that can be nowadays.

But the executives over at Mickey D's finally hear the cries of outrage from Mrs. Sandler and Buscemi (who plays Man With Notepad). Nine years too late, but they heard them. And now they serve breakfast until 11:00. Huzzah! Three cheers for Adam Sandler!

Making up new slang is hard-licious

2008-09-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

I've come to a realization lately: conversation is pretty much a dying art.
Partly due to the fact that we as a society are relying less and less on face-to-face interaction in this, the age of the information superhighway, and have all but lost the ability to engage in coherent dialogue; partly due the advent of talking-head news networks that degrade even the most intelligent debate into either schoolyard-caliber "Uh-huh! Nuh-uh!" debate or ludicrous "you're either with us or against us" malarkey; but also (and as far as this blog entry is concerned, more importantly) due to people's insatiable desire to simply hear themselves, no matter how vapid or incoherent the words coming out may be.

In order to make themselves heard, we find that people (and by "people" I mainly mean "stars of basic-cable reality shows and entertainment news magazine programs") will make up brand new and exciting words in an attempt to rise above the din of white noise that surrounds us. The only problem is that the words they make up are, more often than not, bat-s**t retarded. Here I am thinking specifically of Lacey Chabert's character in Mean Girls attempting to make the word "fetch" catch on as an adjective.

So here's a short (and by no means all-inclusive) list of words that I never never never NEVER want to hear again:

1. "Tanorexic" (is "tanaholic" not good enough? Because that's a word that actually makes a small amount of sense).

2. "Manorexic".

3. "Good people" in reference to only one person, i.e. "He's good people." Just incorrect. Will make the speaker sound like a douche.

4. Any celebrity-couple amalgamation of names ever, i.e. Brangelina or Bennifer (although Ben-Gay would be solid gold...points to anyone who gets the reference).

5. "Metrosexual".

6. "Fierce"...look, I realize that Christian Siriano probably has more personality than any 10 other Project Runway contestants put together (yes, I have, from time to time, watched Project Runway), but that's the equivalent of saying he's got more personality than an especially unpleasant block of wood. Although I'll admit that it's better than whats-his-name douchebag from this season tyring to make...

7. Any word ending in "-licious" that normally shouldn't catch on.

8. "Cougar". We've already got one super-obnoxious bit of slang that means the exact same thing (MILF, for those of you who weren't paying attention). Do we need another? Plus, it makes me think of John Mellencamp in a terrifying new light.

9. Anything involving going hyphy, dumb, et cetera

10. "Lawl". First there was "LOL", which was bad enough. Then people apparently started using it in real life conversation (which brings me back to my point about conversation being dead), but instead of saying them as individual letters (L.O.L.), they regarded it as an actual word to be pronounced phoenetically (lawl). That came full circle when some cyberspace dips**t decided it should be a real word and began typing it as such. I'd really like to find this guy and, I dunno, chop his head off or something.

Then, we mix in some random thoughts...

2008-09-09T09:41:00.001-07:00

And now, for your reading enjoyment, a numbered list of the things I've seen around lately that need to be ranted about (about which need to be ranted?):

1. Over the past several days, MySpace's front page has been extolling the "talent" of Avril Lavigne, which is fine...except for the fact that they've made the ridiculous claim, "Avril Lavigne rocks harder than any band out there."

OK, really? I know you've got to hype up your merchandise, but isn't that just silly? "Harder than any band out there"? Harder than, say, Metallica? Or AC/DC? I feel like this headline got pitched by some middle-aged ad exec who was high on cocaine at the time, shouted his entire presentation, and probably says "bro" a lot.

2. Speaking of AC/DC, apparently this is old news, but I just recently found out that the band will be making their latest album available only at Wal-Mart.

Apparently they haven't come up with a title yet, so I've got a good one: For Those About to Ro(llba)ck...

3. If you're as big a nerd as I am (but face it, you're probably not), you have been peeing your pants pretty much nonstop this summer with the release of all these great comic book movies, and at the promise of so many more to come. But perhaps none has you more excited than 2011's The First Avenger: Captain America. That is, until Derek Luke was quoted as saying, "I heard they offered Will Smith Captain America."

Don't get me wrong: Will Smith is a fine actor, and I get that comic book characters change with the times. Samuel L. Mothaf**kin' Jackson was Nick Fury in Iron Man, because Nick Fury is a badass, and Samuel L. is a badass...plus, Fury became black in the comic books well before that movie. Michael Clarke Duncan was the Kingpin in Daredevil because he's pretty much the only actor on the planet even close to big enough to be the Kingpin...and a big scary black dude is always worse than a big scary white dude.

But not Captain America. The whole point of Cap's existence is that he doesn't change with the times. He's a cryogenically-frozen WWII hero who is still very stuck in his 1940s black-and-white (no pun intended) morality. And he's not black. Sorry, but 40s-era U.S. government agents wouldn't pick a black guy for their super-soldier program. That's not how things worked.

Of course, who the hell is Derek Luke? Why is he talking about movies he's not even involved in? Whatever. I guess with the movie still 3 years away, unsubstantiated rumors perpetrated by MTV don't have to be given much credence.

Don't Hate the Players II: Chamillionaire

2008-08-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, even the best of us can't resist the allure of something that, for all intents and purposes, should suck. And sometimes, luckily enough, it turns out not to suck.

For the second entry, we turn our eye towards Chamillionaire's "Ridin'".

THE CASE AGAINST: Well, first of all, he's got an idiotic rapper alias. As the good folks over at Cracked put it: "Is he a millionaire who blends in with the rest of us?...Or perhaps he has a million chameleons? Or maybe he is a million chameleons who have joined together, combining their camouflage skills to appear as a rapper...Or perhaps he's only a tea millionaire with an enormous collection of fragrant, healing Chamomile teas." Also, you know, he's a mainstream rapper in the days when that really only means three things: sex, drugs, and rock & roll...I mean money. Also, he's apparently buds with Paul Wall and Scott Storch. Blech.

THE CASE FOR: Well, he's also buds with Krayzie Bone (of Bone Thugz N Harmony). And the song did win a Grammy. And there's the bonus Weird Al factor (and Donny Osmond!). But really, all I can say is, the man's got flow. He fits a hell of a lot in one song. And the hook is undeniably catchy. Did I mention he collaborates with Krayzie Bone on this song?

THE VERDICT: Yeah, it could be easy to hate this song, but really, it's just fun to listen to, it's got a good hook, and it's a really good song for pretending that you're hard while you're riding in your Dodge Neon with three of your whitest friends.

Bigg Nife

2008-08-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

So here's the story:
Several years ago, my friends Jacob (left) and Julian (right...at least I think it's Julian) took a funny picture.
These days, denizens of the interweb enjoy finding silly pictures and affixing humorous, inspirational-poster-like messages to them, then posting them on message boards.
Point of the story:
A little while ago, long after anyone I knew stopped being in possession of aforementioned picture, someone found it on a message board. And we lawled.

"The adoption of Vista has been generally low, due to largely poor reviews and harsh criticism." - Wikipedia

2008-08-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a new, mildly hilarious banner ad floating around these days (mostly on the front page of The A.V. Club) that asks the question: what do people really think of Windows Vista...when they don't know it's Windows Vista?

Oh, Microsoft, you sneaky, cheeky bastards, you. Duping your customers into trying out your terrible operating system and not telling them what you're up to. Not since the Pepsi Challenge has such skullduggery been perpetrated on the American public. Kudos to you, oh duper of dupers.

But here's the problem I have: if your product is so terrible that you have to fool people into using it (and I've used it. I have to use it at work every day, and I know it's terrible), why not just take a little time and money to make it better?

Your favorite movies are going to be destroyed, buried, exhumed, stepped on, desecrated, and pissed on.

2008-08-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm sure I'm not even close to being the first person to bring this up, and I'm sure everyone is already sick of it, but I just need to talk about this:

Disaster Movie. While the title certainly is an apt description of this cinematic turd, it's a sure bet that the people who made this movie aren't meaning for it to be interpreted the way I (and most of the movie-going public) is interpreting it.

So why, you might ask, is this movie being made? Well, despite the fact that Disaster (of a) Movie is proof positive of Hollywood's near-total creative and intellectual bankruptcy, and despite the fact that these guys last 3 movies (Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans) are averaging about a 2.5 on IMDB's user ratings, the simple fact is that those 3 movies all made money at the box office - which is proof positive that humanity is doomed, but that's the subject of another blog.

Here's the other issue with Disaster (of a) Movie: shouldn't the movie's title have something to do with the movie? Like I said, I'm sure this movie will be a disaster, but I don't think that's the point the producers are trying to get across.

Let's take a count of how many disaster-movie-related references we can find on this poster:

1. Twister

Now let's take a count of how many non-disaster-movie-related references we can find:
1. Amy Winehouse (side note: does Amy Winehouse have a baby-dangling habit I'm not aware of? Or are the makers of this movie trying to suggest that Amy Winehouse eats babies? Either way, taking aim at her can firmly be filed under the "cheap shot" category)
2. Hancock
3. Hellboy
4. High School Musical
5. The Incredible Hulk
6. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls (side note: since everybody knows a simple Indiana Jones spoof isn't funny, of course Indy has to be played by a black midget. Also, the "crystal skull" he's holding reminds me of Killface from Frisky Dingo)
7. Hannah Montana
8. Sex and the City (side note: again, since a straightforward spoof just isn't funny enough, Sarah Jessica Parker's character of course has to be played by a guy)
9. The Dark Knight
10. Iron Man
11. Kung Fu Panda
12. Juno
13. Alvin and the Chipmunks
14. Enchanted (side note: if you're making a spoof movie, the first thing you should remember: don't spoof a spoof, especially if that spoof was somewhat well-done and intelligent and will only serve to highlight what a root canal of a movie you've made)
15. Also, Kim "Big Ass and a Sex Tape" Kardashian and Carmen Electra are there for some reason (side note: why?)

This is clearly not a spoof of the disaster movie as a genre, but simply a dimwitted reference-a-thon designed possibly as a psychological experiment to see how many tired and unfunny "jokes" the human psyche can endure before it snaps.

Please don't go see Disaster Movie.

Don't Hate the Players I: Christina Aguilera

2008-07-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, even the best of us can't resist the allure of something that, for all intents and purposes, should suck. And sometimes, luckily enough, it turns out not to suck.

First up, a song that took me by surprise: Christina Aguilera's "Candyman".

THE CASE AGAINST: Let's take a look back at XTina's musical history - first, she was an utterly forgettable, albeit more talented, Britney Spears clone riding high on the terrible-music wave of the late 90s and early 00s that included even more forgettable "musicians" like Vitamin C (remember her? I didn't think so).
Later, she emerged from that and marked out her own territory by reinventing herself as such a ridiculously over-the-top skank that, quite frankly, is was a little bit terrifying...especially given the fact that she had more metal in her body than a kid with braces and headgear. Sure, some people find that attractive. But I find it Frankenstein-esque.

THE CASE FOR: Once she finally grew out of the "Dirrty" phase (why the hell did she spell it like that anyway?), she deskankified herself and started dressing like a real person, which made all of us normal folk realize that, hey, she's actually really hot. Of course, then she had to go and get married. It also didn't hurt that she decided to go back to basics with, well, Back to Basics. When she's dry-humping Redman, turns out that, like I said, she can really sing, too.
Case in point: "Candyman".
With a Winehouseian mixture of retro and modern sounds, mixing big band swing with 21st-century beats, she makes a song even your grandma will dance to...provided she doesn't notice lines like "He's a one-stop, get me hot, making my (erotic moan) pop"...which, while a little bit skanky, is at least funnier and more subtle than "DJ's spinnin' / let's get dirrty / I need that to get me off / sweatin' til my clothes come off".

THE VERDICT: A fun, danceable song from an artist who has overcome forgettability (is that a word?) and dirrty-ness to grow into a real person with real (good) music.

NEXT TIME: Millionaire amphibians.

But First...

2008-07-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

An interesting blog theme that I've seen making the rounds and decided to participate in:
Pick a favorite movie for every year you've been alive.
This could be your favorite movie then, your favorite movie now, whatever.
Me, I did my favorite movie now...but I had a problem: there are way too many obvious choices on the list.
Not that I don't love all these movies - I do - but the end list turned out to be kind of boring. So I did my best to pick two favorites from each year to make it a little less totally predictable (except for 2007 - if you didn't see those picks coming, you don't know me very well).
Also, you may be able to tell I've got a thing for Spike Lee and the Coen brothers. I do not apologize for this.
So, without further ado:
1985: Brazil (dir. Terry Gilliam)
alt. Back to the Future (dir. Robert Zemeckis)

1986: Aliens (dir. James Cameron)
alt. Flight of the Navigator (dir. Randall Kleiser)

1987: Full Metal Jacket (dir. Stanley Kubrick)
alt. Evil Dead 2 (dir. Sam Raimi)

1988: Die Hard (dir. John McTiernan)
alt. Akira (dir. Katsuhiro Otomo)

1989: Do the Right Thing (dir. Spike Lee)
alt. UHF (dir. Jay Levey)

1990: Miller’s Crossing (dir. Joel Coen)
alt. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (dir. Tom Stoppard)

1991: Terminator 2: Judgment Day (dir. James Cameron)
alt. Barton Fink (dir. Joel Coen)

1992: Malcolm X (dir. Spike Lee)
alt. Reservoir Dogs (dir. Quentin Tarantino)

1993: Schindler’s List (dir. Steven Spielberg)
alt. Tombstone (dir. George P. Cosmatos)

1994: Pulp Fiction (dir. Quentin Tarantino)
alt. Ed Wood (dir. Tim Burton)

1995: The Usual Suspects (dir. Bryan Singer)
alt. 12 Monkeys (dir. Terry Gilliam)

1996: Fargo (dir. Joel Coen)
alt. Romeo + Juliet (dir. Baz Luhrmann)

1997: L.A. Confidential (dir. Curtis Hanson)
alt. Boogie Nights (dir. P.T. Anderson)

1998: The Big Lebowski (dir. Joel Coen)
alt. Rushmore (dir. Wes Anderson)

1999: The Matrix (dir. Larry and Andy Wachowski)
alt. American Beauty (dir. Sam Mendes)

2000: Almost Famous (dir. Cameron Crowe)
alt. Unbreakable (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

2001: Memento (dir. Christopher Nolan)
alt. The Royal Tenenbaums (dir. Wes Anderson)

2002: 25th Hour (dir. Spike Lee)
alt. Spirited Away (dir. Hayao Miyazaki)

2003: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (dir. Peter Jackson)
alt. American Splendor (dir. Shari Berman and Robert Pulcini)

2004: Sideways (dir. Alexander Payne)
alt. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (dir. Michel Gondry)

2005: Batman Begins (dir. Christopher Nolan)
alt. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (dir. Tommy Lee Jones)

2006: The Departed (dir. Martin Scorcese)
alt. Pan's Labyrinth (dir. Guillermo del Toro)

2007: There Will be Blood (dir. P.T. Anderson)
alt. No Country for Old Men (dir. Joel Coen)

2008 (so far): Wall-E (dir. Andrew Stanton)
alt. Cloverfield (dir. Matt Reeves)*

*Wall-E is no doubt going to occupy the "alt." spot come next Friday, and Cloverfield will be disappearing from the list, as The Dark Knight is slated to be one of the best movies of all time...I mean, seriously. It's at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Don't hate the players (An introduction)

2008-07-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, even the best of us can't resist the allure of something that, for all intents and purposes, should suck. And sometimes, luckily enough, it turns out not to suck.
I've been noticing lately that there is more and more stuff out there (movies, music, et al) that I really shouldn't enjoy, especially considering my tendencies toward movie and music snobbery, but I still do. So I thought I'd start a semi-regular feature here, on this blog.
Suggestions are welcome.
First up on the chopping block:
Xtina

See you soon!

For shame, Earl Hickey. For shame.

2008-04-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

I, like most of my friends, could not have been much more excited for the glorious return of My Name is Earl on NBC last night. And for the most part, we were not disappointed. I mean, TV is back in full swing (at least for another 5 weeks or so), and NBC's Thursday night has become a cherished tradition among my circle of friends.
But...
PARIS HILTON?
Yes, Paris Hilton had a cameo (as herself) last night.
Yes, it was a very self-parodying cameo that aimed at poking fun at her "celebrity" and penchant for stupid-ass "catchphrases". But I still had to look at Paris Hilton last night. No matter how in jest her role may have been, every second of screen time is a second that brings us closer to legitimizing her status as a star.
And that MUST NOT HAPPEN.
For shame, NBC.

G-G-G-G-G-G Unit!

2008-03-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

Vivendi games is releasing a sequel to 50 Cent: Bulletproof titled 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Here’s the premise, as delivered by producer Aaron Blean:

50 and G-Unit are putting on a sold-out performance somewhere in a fictional Middle Eastern setting...but the concert promoter stiffs them and doesn’t give 50 and G-Unit their payment...instead, the promoter offers him a very valuable gift – something that’s valuable to this particular country – a diamond encrusted skull...So 50 gets the skull, and as he’s about to leave this war-torn country, when they’re ambushed and the skull is taken. They escape the ambush, but they’re without the skull. So 50’s motivated to get what belongs to him. So basically, throughout the game, he’s trying to track these people down and find out who they are and why he was ambushed.

Wow. Really? No, really?

Michael Haneke Hates You

2008-03-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

For those of you just tuning in, I (very) recently wrote a short list of upcoming movies that I am not excited about at all. Michael Haneke's new shot-for-shot remake of his 1997 film Funny Games was on that list, mostly because I found the premise of the film tired and repulsive. Also, was anyone in Hollywood demanding this remake? Clearly, that's a silly question, because these days, if you make a movie, Hollywood IMMEDIATELY starts demanding a remake.
But that's not the point of this here blog. The point is this: I found out about another very good reason to not go see this movie. Simply, Haneke doesn't want you to.
In Jim Emerson's Chicago Sun Times review, he quotes Haneke as saying, "Anyone who leaves the cinema doesn't need the film, and anyone who stays does." Alright, Mike, first of all, none of us "need" films. And I could go on and on about how pretentious and self-righteous you are about how your movie is a "reaction to a certain American Cinema, its violence, its naïveté, the way [it] toys with human beings", or point out, let's face it, just how straight-up retarded that statement is (anybody here ever seen Audition or Oldboy?), but I won't.
Instead, I'll just say that since I don't plan on seeing your movie, does that mean I really don't need it? And isn't that what you want? For me to not need it? Well, you got your wish. I promise never to see your movie.
Oh, and let's not forget that he seems to be a filmmaker completely without a sense of subtlety...or talent (for those of you who care, SPOILER ALERT!). The act of breaking the fourth wall, I have always thought, is extremely difficult to do well for even the best of filmmakers, one of which Michael Haneke is not. It seems like that the audience's reaction towards the main killer character constantly addressing the audience directly, asking if they feel bad for the victims and want to see them win, would not be, as Haneke intends, "oh, right, what do I expect from my torture movies? I am a bad person for wanting people to die", and more "yeah, no s**t, Sherlock".
And then there's the rewind scene.
If you're unaware, at one point, one of the family members being tortured gets to exact a little revenge (and hopefully escape) by blowing away one of her captors with a shotgun. But no! At this point, the other bad dude picks up a remote control literally rewinds the movie so he can take away the gun before she can use it.
Apparently, Haneke's point in all this is to make the audience aware that they are cheering for (assuming they would be cheering...which is actually probably a safe assumption) an act of murder, which is UNFORGIVABLE, no matter how desired or cathartic said murder might be. But again, he is probably too busy patting himself on the back for his totally radical meta film making and getting jerked off by whoever actually gave him money to make this movie to realize that, again, he has sorely misjudged the audience. My reaction would not be "oh, I just cheered for someone's murder. I am a bad person", but more along the lines of "what the f**k?"
So, yeah, don't see Funny Games.

This is about two girls who decided to take their friendship to a sexy new level!

2008-03-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

OK, not really. But that's something I heard last night at the Reel Big Fish show, and it made me laugh. Boy howdy, do they put on a great show.
But I noticed something - well, two somethings. The first is that ska kids are quite possibly even more ridiculous and fun to laugh at than hipster scene kids. But that's not the point of this blog.
The point is this: why is it that I always see that one couple who decides to make out at the most inappropriate time? Not that I have a real problem with public sucking of face (well, I do, but again, not the point), but I'm not sure I can think of a less opportune time or place for it than just on the edge of a circle pit inside a club that smells like a mix of flop sweat, beer, and anus while the band is playing - as loudly as possible, of course - and singing a song that goes, "I wrote this song about you / I wrote this song about you / just to let you know that I hate your guts / and I think you suck." I mean seriously, who wants to pay 20 bucks for that? Just go make out in the privacy of your own home where you only sweat if you really get into it *wink*.

An addendum

2008-03-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Another movie that I am not excited for:
The live action Dragonball. I predict that this movie will be about 17 hours long and consist of 16 hours of big, glowing hair and variations on the line "KYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH!

Upstarts and Broken Strings

2008-03-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

One more thought for the day (at least one more, anyway):

When did "indie" rock get overtaken by schlubs with acoustic guitars, whiny voices, and bad haircuts (to any indie bands I know out there who might be reading this, I'm not really referring to you. I'm using hyperbole to make a point. I love your music, really)?

Let me elaborate. I was reading an article on avclub.com about how indie rock has become "...boring, watered-down, boring, limp..." and really, I have to say I agree. Don't get me wrong, there is some "indie" rock (I use the quotes because to me, indie, like emo, is one of those musical genres that doesn't really do anything to describe the music itself) that I love...say, The Decemberists. But for every one of those bands out there, you can find five jackholes with their junky little guitars who fancy themselves great poets.

But they're not great poets. They want to be Elliot Smith or Nick Drake so badly, and "so badly" is how they do it. Their songs aren't really about anything. "Indie" used to be about something. These were guys who were seriously unhappy with the world around them, and wrote about it. People you see at your local shows aren't introspective enough to be unhappy with anything.

I realize that I'm speaking in broad, sweeping generalizations. Tough.

To me (and the people over at the AV Club), indie rock has always more in common with punk music than anything else. Sure, they might take out their anger and aggression in a much less violent and anarchist manner, but you can tell their feelings are at least similar.

Remember that next time you're listening to your "indie" music.

Jeph Mitchum and the Terrible, Awful, No-Good, Very Bad Movies

2008-03-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

More from the bottom of Hollywood's barrel come more movies I'm not excited about:

Superhero Movie. Now, I only found about this movie a week ago or so, and immediately thought, "Crap. Another cinematic turd from Friedberg and Seltzer." And in this movie's defense, it is not actually one of their movies, but rather, it comes from the brains behind Scary Movies 3 and 4. Granted, these aren't exactly shining pieces of celluloid, but hey, at least they're (probably) marginally better than Meet the Spartans. I know that's like saying they're better than someone pooping on your chest, but hey. Of course, that doesn't mean I will EVER see it.

Speed Racer. This might sound like sacrilege to some of you, especially since it's a Wachowski Bros. movie, but I think those of you who have fond memories of the cartoon show would find your nostalgia sorely misplaced. Or, to put it bluntly, Speed Racer kind of sucked. Take as exhibit A some samples of dialogue (courtesy of IMDB):
"As champion of the West Side Grunters and Groaners I promise you are in for a lot of groaning!" - Pops Racer
"If we crash I can't win!" - Speed
"I'm going to win this race fair and square." "Yeah? Well that's not the way I'm going to beat you up!" - Speed and a bad guy
"Stop! Stop or I'll stop you!" - Speed
Seriously, folks.

Lost Boys 2. Yes, they're making a sequel. I don't think I need to explain why this is a TERRIBLE idea.

Never Back Down. All that can really be said about this movie is that it looks like You Got Served meets Fight Club. And as such, I predict it will be the next big thing in the 18-25 douchebag demographic.

Saw V. All I can say is, "DEAR GOD, WHY WON'T IT END? WHYYYYYY? SOMEBODY KILLLLLL MEEEEE!"

Funny Games. Not only does it look just one step shy of a snuff film, it is apparently a shot-for-shot remake of the original, even done by the same director. What the hell is the point? Remember the last shot-for-shot remake you saw (or, if you're lucky, didn't)...Gus Van Sant's Psycho? I think we all remember how that turned out (hint: BADLY).

And I'll reserve judgment on the new Indiana Jones and Terminator movies until I know more. On the one hand, they're both franchises that really should have died a long time ago, but on the other hand, it is Harrison Ford, and Christian "Batman" Bale is going to be playing John Connor. So we'll have to wait and see.

It's been such a long time / I think should be going...

2008-03-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Lord, it's been a long time since we talked, hasn't it, bloggy?
Hopefully, I'll be able to do some rapid-fire blogging and get everyone who cares (yes, both of you) caught up in the wacky goings-on of my life.
First, in a follow-up to the entry entitled, "The Greatest, pts II and III", some awesome movies I have seen since we last spoke:
3:10 to Yuma, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Sweeney Todd, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and There Will be Blood.
There Will be Blood is a strong contender for my favorite movie of 2007...it's definitely one of the top two, behind No Country for Old Men. Daniel Day-Lewis is the man.
Another thought on movies before I leave you - bad movies, that is.
For those of you who are unaware, my friends and I partake in a Sunday night tradition of watching a horrendously bad movie and laughing joylessly at it. This Sunday, we watched the fifth installment of the Highlander series, Highlander: The Source. Needless to say, it was, in a word, piss-poor.
But it got me to thinking: I can easily count myself among the ranks of rabid fans of the first Highlander movie. And, like most other Highlander fans, I think every single movie made after it is one of the worst movies ever made.
My point is this: as a general rule, I detest and abhor Hollywood's total lack of originality these days. Everything is a remake sequel, or totally s**t parody movie by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. But I would really be OK, as long as it was done well, if someone out there decided to remake Highlander. I mean, the movie's over 20 years old, and most people's experience with the franchise is probably only through all these terrible sequels. But they could be reminded that this was a franchise that kicked ASS back in the mid-80s. Come on, a group of immortals locked in an endless battle to behead one another and gain ultimate power, all to the music of Queen? If that doesn't spell badass, I don't know what does.

It's funny because it's not really true.

2008-01-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

For those of you who aren't aware (which is forgiven), I "play" in a band called The Hepburn Disaster. I use the term "play" loosely because the last time we really did anything together besides play video games and drink was at least a year ago. But apparently we are changing the face of rock and roll in Sacramento.
So, for those of you who want to see a change, check out www.myspace.com/thehepburndisaster and demand a reunion!
Vive l'revolucion! Or however you say that in French.

The Greatest, pts II and III

2008-01-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry, folks. It's been a while since we last saw each other, I know. But to make up for it, I decided to post both parts of the remainder of my "Best of 2007" blog - movies and music. So here you go. I hope you enjoy, but don't really care if you do or not. I mean, it's my blog, after all.

MOVIES (in descending order of awesome):

No Country for Old Men. The Coen Brothers are back, baby! Proof that they can do pretty much any kind of movie they want better than anybody, this movie never fails to keep you on the edge of your seat. Javier Bardem has officially rewritten the book on creepy movie villainy - even if he does sport a Prince Valiant bowl cut. And for those of you who didn't like the ending, I say...Pay attention, blockheads!

Grindhouse. If you've ever enjoyed a movie whose genre ends in "-ploitation", you'll enjoy this movie. Or even if you haven't.

Juno. Teen comedies don't have to be stupid.

American Gangster. When Denzel talks, you listen. And watch.

Lars and the Real Girl. If you can get past the fact that it's about a guy who falls in love with a sex doll, it's really one of the most touching movies you'll see all year.

Once. To quote one Rachel Miller, this movie makes up half my heart.

The Darjeeling Limited. Yeah, yeah, all of Wes Anderson's movies are pretty much the same. Well, so are all of Hitchcock's and Scorcese's. And you know what? They're all awesome.

Knocked Up. Judd Apatow still reigns supreme as the king of the guy's romantic comedy. He's struck a perfect balance between disgusting and heartwarming.

Honorable mention to Ratatouille, The Simpsons Movie, Hot Fuzz, The Bourne Ultimatum, Rescue Dawn, Sicko, and Superbad.

Probably-awesome-but-I-haven't-seen-it-yet mention to I'm Not There, Into the Wild, 3:10 to Yuma, Persepolis, The Savages, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Atonement, Gone Baby Gone, Sweeney Todd, Michael Clayton, Eastern Promises, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and There Will be Blood. This was a good year for movies.

MUSIC:

Radiohead's In Rainbows. - Pretty much all three of these first artists fall under "experimental music that thank God has found its way into pop listeners' ears, and we're all the better for it." Plus, Radiohead released their album for free.

The White Stripes' Icky Thump.

The Gorillaz' D-Sides.

The Once Soundtrack. Strictly speaking, I didn't listen to this album, but if it's the music that's in the movie (which soundtracks usually are), it's beautiful.

Fall Out Boy's Infinity on High. Screw the haters. Fall Out Boy writes awesomely poppy music. It's fun to listen to, and that's all I have to say.

Honestly, there's not a lot of new music I listened to this year. So the extensive probably-awesome-
but-I-haven't-heard-yet list is:

Arcade Fire, Spoon, Feist, Iron and Wine, M.I.A., Wilco, Amy Winehouse, Bloc Party, Against Me!, Rilo Kiley and way more.

The Greatest

2007-12-22T14:14:00.001-08:00

It's time once again, kids, for my semi-definitive list of all the awesome stuff of 2007 - and by "stuff", I mean movies, music, and video games.
So (drum roll) here comes first the best of what is probably the fastest brain-cell killing media: Video Games!

In descending order of awesomeness, they are:

Bioshock - I really, really don't like the whole crowd that shouts "Video games can be art, too!" (to quote Matthew Kato, does it really matter beyond gamers' own insecurities?), but if you were to make the case for it, this game would be exhibit A. With stellar voice acting, script, graphics, environments, and everything else, along with more crap-your-pants moments in the first two hours than most games have in their entire playthrough, this is a must-own for any of you who have an XBox 360 or gaming PC. Just remember the rubber pants.

God of War II - Takes a close second to Bioshock in its ability to make you feel slightly sick to your stomach watching the atrocities your character commits onscreen, and is all the better for it. I'm just sad that I'll probably be unable to play God of War III until I throw down money for a PS3.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass - Equal parts throwback, innovation, and totally awesome, this handheld follow-up to The Wind Waker delivers as every Zelda game has. If only I didn't have to listen to another d**n fairy.

The Orange Box - Even if this had just been Portal, it would have been awesome. But since it's 5 games for the price of one, it's even more so. "Still Alive" = Song of the Year? Maybe.

Rock Band - To quote another online critic, lock yourself in a dark room with 3 friends, 2 cases of beer (but only if you're old enough!), this game, and prepare for the time of your life.

Honorable Mention to Guitar Hero III, Super Paper Mario, Halo 3, Pokemon Diamond & Pearl, and Lost Planet: Extreme Condition.

I-haven't-actually-played-it-yet-but-I'm-sure-it's-
awesome Mention to Super Mario Galaxy, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, Mass Effect, and Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction.

Who let the morons out?

2007-12-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

From Yahoo! Sports:

ATLANTA (AP) -- After Michael Vick was sentenced to nearly two years in prison, two of his former Atlanta Falcons teammates sent messages to the disgraced quarterback in Monday night's 34-14 loss to the New Orleans Saints.

Cornerback DeAngelo Hall, who played with Vick at Virginia Tech and in Atlanta, ran onto the field holding up a poster of Vick and played the game with "MV7" written on the shade under both eyes.

Late in the first quarter, receiver Roddy White pulled up his jersey after hauling in a 33-yard touchdown pass from Chris Redman, revealing a black shirt with the words "Free Mike Vick" in white letters.

So, what have we learned, kids?
That's right! You can do really cruel and inhumane things to all of God's creatures, and as long as you're famous, it's pretty much OK! Hooray!

The Passion of the Norris

2007-12-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

On the Yahoo! News front page today, there is a story about how Mike Huckabee is seeing a huge spike in search engine hits ever since he was officially endorsed by Chuck "Roundhose Kick to the Face" Norris. One fact in particular stood out to me: searches for "mike huckabee chuck norris" have jumped 467 per cent.

That's interesting, because in order for them to have jumped less than infinity per cent, people out there on the information superhighway must have already been searching, at least a little, for "mike huckabee chuck norris". Because, after all, 467 per cent of zero would still be zero.

So my question is, before the endorsement, who the crap was actually making these searches? Maybe Chuck Norris has his own search engine (say, youdontfindchucknorrischucknorrisfindsyou.gov) that just automatically adds "chuck norris" to the end of every search made.

That would be awesome.

I can't get no satisfaction (really)

2007-12-04T10:39:00.001-08:00

Also, I think I am going to have to find a new circle of friends soon.
Why, you ask?
Because, during a particularly cutthroat game of Cranium some weeks ago, I found none of my current friends could successfully impersonate (or identify an impersonation of) Mick Jagger. That made me cry a little inside.

What do we circulate? Lookin' for a man who recently drunk milk?

2007-12-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

Before I get into the real meat of this blog, I just have to say:
I logged into my Yahoo email account for work the other day, and I really wish we lived in a world where Mrs. Tom Cruise's new haircut wasn't front-page news.

Anyway.
Some gems I've discovered the short while it's been since I posted last:

- The Coen Brothers' No Country for Old Men. Come on, have the Coens ever made a bad movie? Well, yes...they did make Intolerable Cruelty, but come on. Everyone's allowed a slip-up. But if you didn't think Peter Stormaire was quite creepy enough in Fargo, check out Javier Bardem in No Country. Never before did I think a dude with a Prince Valiant haircut and a cattle gun could be so menacing. Oh, and if you don't like the ending, you're missing the point.

- Dan in Real Life. Even though Evan Almighty wasn't awesome, it cemented in my mind proof that Steve Carrell is way funnier than Jim Carrey. And now with Dan, he proved he can do (semi-) serious roles better, too. Granted, it's no Eternal Sunshine, but at least it's no Majestic. And thank God somebody slapped a leash on Dane Cook.

- D-Sides by the Gorillaz. All that can really be said is that Damon Albarn is finally fully embracing his love of techno, and it's awesome. Download "We Are Happy Landfill" and "Rockit" right now.

- Flight of the Conchords. Day-um, this show is funny.

They shoot movies, don't they?

2007-11-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

Most of you are probably already painfully aware of this, but I am what most would consider a "snob", so to speak, when it comes to movies, music, television, and really just pop culture in general. Many of my friends are probably all to familiar with the phrase, "I can't believe you haven't seen that movie!" As such, I have forced my friends into watching more than a few films, whether they like it or not. Some of them have actually been receptive to this. I have even compiled lists for some of my friends of movies they have to see before they die.
I thought to myself recently, "why should I waste my time making all sorts of lists for all sorts of friends when I have this handy-dandy blog with which to impart my opinion the population at large?" So, friends, family, acquaintances, and enemies, here it is: Jeph Mitchum's semi-definitive* list of movies you need to see before you die (in alphabetical order). Enjoy.

12 Angry Men (1957)
Airplane! (1980)
Akira (1988)
Alien (1979)
Aliens (1986)
All the President's Men (1976)
Amadeus (1984)
American Beauty (1999)
American History X (1998)
American Movie (1999)
American Psycho (2000)
Animal House (1978)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Back to the Future (1985)
Barton Fink (1991)
Batman Begins (2005)
Being There (1979)
The Big Lebowski (1998)
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
The Birdcage (1996)
Blazing Saddles (1974)
Blood Simple (1984)
Bottle Rocket (1996)
Brazil (1985)
Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
The Breakfast Club (1985)
Bringing up Baby (1938)
Il Buono, il Bruto, il Cattivo (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly) (1966)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
Caddyshack (1980)
Casablanca (1942)
Casino Royale (2006)
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958)
Chariots of Fire (1981)
Chinatown (1974)
A Christmas Story (1983)
Christmas Vacation (1989)
City Slickers (1991)
Coming to America (1988)
Cool Hand Luke (1967)
Dave Chappelle's Block Party (2005)
Death Proof (2007)
The Deer Hunter (1978)
Deliverance (1972)
The Departed (2006)
Desperado (1995)
Die Hard (1988)
The Dirty Dozen (1967)
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
Do the Right Thing (1989)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Dr. No (1962)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Ed Wood (1994)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Empire Records (1995)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The Evil Dead Trilogy (1987-1992)
Fallen (1998)
Falling Down (1993)
Fargo (1996)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Fight Club (1999)
Finding Neverland (2004)
A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
The Fisher King (1991)
Forrest Gump (1994)
From Russia With Love(1963)
The Fugitive (1993)
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Gandhi (1982)
Garden State (2004)
Get Shorty (1995)
The Godfather (1972)
The Godfather, Part II (1974)
Goldfinger (1964)
Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
Goodfellas (1990)
The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
Gross Pointe Blank (1997)
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967)
Hamlet (1996)
He Got Game (1998)
High Fidelity (2000)
High Noon (1952)
Highlander (1986)
The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)
The Indiana Jones Trilogy (1981-1989)
The Insider (1999)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Jaws (1976)
The Jerk (1979)
Kill Bill, vols. 1 & 2 (2003-2004)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) (2006)
Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
Léon (1993)
Les Misérables (1998)
Life of Brian (1979)
The Lion in Winter (1968)
Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
The Living Dead Saga (1968-2005)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)
The Madness of King George (1994)
Malcom X (1992)
The Matrix (1999)
Memento (2000)
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
The Muppet Movie (1979)
Network (1976)
Newsies (1992)
Office Space (1999)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Planet Terror (2007)
Predator (1987)
The Producers (1968)
Psycho (1960)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Rain Man (1988)
The Ref (1994)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
The Rocketeer (1991)
Rocky (1976)
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990)
Roxanne (1987)
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Rushmore (1998)
The Sandlot (1993)
Schindler's List (1993)
Searching for Bobby Fischer (1993)
Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi (Spirited Away) (2001)
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
The Shootist (1976)
Sideways (2004)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Snatch (2000)
Spaceballs (1987)
Speed (1994)
The Star Wars Saga (1977-2005)
The Sting (1973)
Suicide Kings (1997)
Superman (1978)
Superman II (1980)
Taxi Driver (1976)
The Terminator (1984)
Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
Thank You for Smoking (2005)
That Thing You Do! (1996)
The Thing (1982)
¡Three Amigos! (1986)
Three Days of the Condor (1975)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Tom yum goong (The Protector) (2005)
Tombstone (1993)
Traffic (2000)
Tremors (1990)
Twelve Monkeys (1995)
UHF (1989)
Under Siege (1992)
Unforgiven (1991)
The Untouchables (1987)
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Wag the Dog (1997)
Welcome to Collinwood (2002)
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
White Christmas (1954)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Ying Xiong (Hero) (2002)
Young Frankenstein (1974)
Zoolander (2001)

*The makers of this list take no responsibility for movies that they have not personally seen. I mean, I know there are some movies that deserve to be on this list (say, Citizen Kane or Raging Bull), but, as I haven't seen them yet, I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Happiness Is

2007-11-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

Here's a depressing-ass poem for you, entitled "Happiness Is".

It's raining outside. The rain is pounding down on the roof of my top-floor tenement like bullets. There's a leak in the roof. I put a pail on the floor to save the carpet, even though it's already got some mold growing. The gunmetal urn does its job with a callous efficiency, and the
click
of the water is grating on my already-thinned nerves. It's been seven months since I moved into this shitbox. Two weeks ago I got a TV. I'm stealing cable from the guy in the next apartment. I turn it on.
click
News 2 is on. Guy Smiley and Max Headroom are telling about the latest disaster in the Middle East or a local high school or the first floor of my building or wherever. They furrow their brows so we know that they're sorrowful. Max shoots the camera his best hunky sad-face. Tragedy, Guy. Tragedy. Now it's time for sports.
click
Cop Drama is on. Sergeant Todd Dood's wife has left him. She's taken the kids, the house, and the car. Bitch. He's been kicked off the force because the chief is worried his sometimes-controversial methods are hurting his political advancement. Asshole. He's sitting at home in a wife-beater and boxers swigging a can of Colt .45. His own Colt .45 is sitting on the coffee table. He didn't turn it in. He puts down the can. He picks up the gun.
click
NASCAR is on. Beer-swilling rednecks are sitting on the roofs of their campers and on hard, metal bleachers watching other beer-swilling rednecks drive in circles. Endless circles. It's something like lap four million when the number 34 car slams against the wall, flips four times, and bursts into flames. Will the driver make it? Who gives a shit?
click
Pushing up Daisies is on. Nick is engaged to Britt, but Britt is fucking other men. Bitch. Krueger is trying to buy out the company. Asshole. Also, Nick has some far-out brain disorder that's gonna give him a hemorrhage and kill him. Tough luck.
click
Divorcees in Court is on. Jane's husband John is a beer-swilling redneck with no job, no money, and no respect for her. She wants the El Camino. He wants the Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run collector..s plates. The kids want new parents. The judge wants them both to shut up so she can deliver some signature witticisms. I want to stop watching.
click
Everything goes black. I notice that I have messages.
click
T.D., it's me. Bitch. Look, you haven't sent me a check for this month. I know this has been hard for you, but it's been hard for me too. And the kids. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this, but if the check's not here in a
click
Is Wolodovskivitch, landlord. Asshole. Where is rent? You no pay me for two months now. If check not is under door tomorrow, I
click
T.D., it's Howard in security. Your things are at the front desk, and if you don't pick them up by Friday, I've been instructed to
click
No more messages. No more anything. I go into the other room and grab a Colt .45. Inside lies the answer to all my problems. The warm golden contents can make me forget about the world and leave the world of the conscious. I raise it up in a farewell salute.
click

HNL

2007-11-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

Alright, folks. Here comes the first real taste of my collection of works. It's a poem I wrote called (if you couldn't guess) "HNL".

Out there, there are sandy white beaches,
clear blue waters, and beautiful palm trees.
But in here, there are nothing but cold plastic
chairs, crying children, and ten-dollar tuna
sandwiches in plastic wrap.
None of us want to be here.
This wait could go on forever.
All these lonely people...
where do they come from?
How can there be this many people
in the same room, all wanting the same
thing, and none of them know each other?
Sure, there are familys, old friends,
and business partners.
But travel more than ten feet,
and you'll be surrounded by strangers.
Strangers that share a single purpose.
How does that work?
Who is that?
Where is he from?
What does she want?
Why are they here?
When will we be leaving?
What happened to the trees?
The oceans?
The sands?
They're gone.
Now there are lamp-posts,
water fountains,
and linoleum.
And people.
People at vending machines,
people at newsstands,
people at bars,
people at shops.
Crowded into lines,
crowded into rooms,
crowded into buses,
all trying their absolute best
to avoid one another.
To be sure, we'll see each other
again, but we won't remember each other.
In fact, this is one shared experience we'd
all rather didn't happen.
One we'd rather forget.

I'm not in this for the money.

2007-11-10T19:03:00.000-08:00

If I'm going to share my life with strangers, I figure they might want to know a little more about me before they fritter away their time witnessing my borderline-insane rantings.
So...
I was born Jeffrey Michael Mitchum on July 1, 1985, at 5:58 a.m. in Oakland, California. I work at a swimming pool supply retailer, even though I decided some time ago that I'm not really cut out for a career in which I have to deal with customers. I live at home with my parents, because I don't have the funding to live on my own. I go to church every Sunday, and volunteer with the jr. high and high school groups there. I am in a band, but we never really play together. I tend to agree with the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, who said, "Hell is other people." I haven't had much luck with the ladyfolk in my life, but I'm OK with it. I'm sure I will eventually. I hate the vast majority of popular culture...movies, music, TV, et cetera. I tend to get annoyed more easily than I should.

Well, those are some things about me. But only some. I mean, I'd like to think that I'm not quite a simple enough person to be entirely summed up in on measly blog entry.

Stay tuned.

Bonfire of my Vanity

2007-11-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

It seems that everyone in my life knows exactly what I should do for a living...except me. I'm not complaining, but every so often, someone in my life tells me that I should (insert unsolicited advice here). So, I thought, why not create an outlet for myself to let all these people know I'm actually taking their advice?
So here we go.
This will be a forum for me to share my innermost thoughts about pop culture, my doodlings and cartoons, my writings (if I ever get writing again), movie reviews, music reviews, book reviews, et al. So, basically, I'll write about whatever the heck I want to...except my personal life. People probably know way more about that than I'd like them to anyway.
Stay tuned!